The Best Part

Life moves fast. Over the past 3 months so much has happened, and yet it has all passed by so quickly.

Coming out on facebook was a fantastic experience. Almost all of the comments and messages I received were unconditionally supportive and encouraging. There were only a few private messages which weren't. I realize that trying to explain my decisions to people that don't understand homosexuality (or my life over the last 3 years) is near futile. In the end, I am just grateful that 92% of everyone I know and care about does not think less of me. My family supports me, and that's all I really care about anyway.

I moved into a new apartment a few days after my birthday. Michael Wiltbank and I spent the following two weeks decorating and getting our new lives sorted out. There was a lot to do, but it all came together nicely. We had a very fun housewarming party. I'm so thankful for an awesome roommate who can decorate, photograph, cook, and clean. I really do love my living situation. It's by far the most comfortable environment I've been in since I lived at home before my mission.

Not everything in my life is perfect though. I'm kind of frustrated with my job right now. My love life has stalled. I don't feel spiritual enough. Both of the preceding items are due to a church which I have a love/hate relationship with. I'm not a very good investor, despite my supposed 'expertise.' I got my first ever ticket for an 'improper left turn' and had to pay $112.

Overall though, life is definitely good. I have a long road ahead of me and so much of it is unknown. But when it comes to my sexuality and future goals I am no longer conflicted like I was when I started this blog. The dearth of recent blog posts stems mostly from the plethora of peace in my life. There just isn't the same conflict and inner turmoil that once existed. My blog is different because I don't agonize over those things I once did. I recognize that the path before me is going to be full of ups and downs, and I know that I have a lot to learn about life. I'm just thankful to be past the tumultuous period of self-discovery known as coming out.

I've finally arrived at the best part.

A Birthday Present to Myself

I decided to finally do it. I came out on facebook. The following was just posted on my wall:

This note has been a long time coming. Coming out has been a long process (which started essentially when I was 13). It took me almost 9 years to finally whisper a simple phrase even to myself in the secrecy of my own bedroom: I am gay.

Since that day in the spring of 2006, I have been more and more open about my sexuality. Although I didn't tell my parents and family until the following year, I have since been willing to tell anyone who asked me. And now, after several long years of learning to be comfortable in my own skin, I am ready to be 100% honest with myself, my friends, and so many of you who I have not been able to keep up with as much as I'd like.

I will not dwell on the countless hours I spent agonizing over the choices I had to make. Or the time spent on my knees waiting, pleading, for God to give me an answer - demanding something I could rely on. Or the tear-filled phone calls with friends and family who listened to my anguish. I just don't think there is any way to adequately describe the process I went through to get to where I am today. But it has shaped me as a person in so many ways.

I hope that through this note you will be able to better know me and understand who I am. This does not change the person I am though. While I have made significant changes in my life recently, I'd like to think I'm the same nerdy, organized, and thoughtful kid you've always known. And while some of the context has changed, most of my life goals are still the same (or very similar).

I want to be a successful businessman. I don't want fame or riches, but a good lifestyle with enough of the things that really matter. I want to be well traveled, and to explore new places. I hope to be an example to those around me and inspire others. I hope to someday marry a man who will be a loving father to our children, just as I want to be. And most of all I hope to be able to look back someday and realize that it was all worth it - the trials and the struggles, learning to love and be loved, and accepting myself were all worth it and made me a better person.

And so, as you have probably come here to wish me well on my birthday, I hope that this has been worthwhile. My hope is that instead of just leaving a simple message on my wall you took this chance to get to know me better. I hope that you will put some thought into this issue and reach out to others who may have walked this particular path in life. Mine has been relatively easy, but for so many others it is not. And it is for them that I will continue to reach out, to help, and hopefully to inspire so that their burdens may be light. I want them to know that there is hope, that it gets better, and that there is reason to live and reason to love.

As with others, my journey to this point has been difficult. But, so far at least, I can say it has been worth it. Thank you to all who have helped me so much and supported me unconditionally. It is because of you that I am here today: a happy, healthy, 25 year old gay guy.

The Best Part of Believe is the 'lie'

I had a conversation last night with a friend about the church. We are at very different places, spiritually. Nevertheless, we still get along well and (for the most part) understand and respect each other. Something he said got me thinking though.

We were discussing a mutual friend who we believe has made some seemingly detrimental lifestyle choices. Then we began talking generally about all the people who have decided to leave the church over this issue. He said, as he has to me many times before, 'How can we trust their decision when they began living a gay lifestyle before they left the church?' His point, essentially, was that most people who leave the church experiment with gay 'activities' before doing so. Obviously, according to my friend, their decision is not objective and therefore unreliable.

I think I understand his point, but I disagree with it. When I asked him over a year ago why I had not been given a clear answer to my prayers about the church, he responded that it was because I was not 100% worthy or living the gospel enough to receive that confirmation. Oh the irony! On the one hand, he believes that you must live the (LDS) lifestyle completely in order to gain a testimony that it is right. Yet on the other hand, one cannot live the (gay) lifestyle and gain a testimony that it is right. Apparently, one must gain a testimony that the gay lifestyle is right while living the LDS lifestyle in order for it to be 'reliable.'

Since finally getting off the fence about my sexuality and future I can honestly say that I am much more content in life. I don't blog nearly as much as I once did - mostly because I have so much less to blog about. My life is not conflicted like it once was. I hope and believe that I will find someone I'm attracted to and have a deep connection with. I believe that I will be a father with my husband and that our relationship will be enduring. I believe that I will find lasting happiness with my future family and that we will support each other through all of the ups and downs of life. I believe that it can work. I believe more joy awaits me in my future than I can even imagine right now.

I believe.

Random fact about me you may not know: I love flowers. I can't even explain why, I just do. They make me happy.

The Loneliness Factor

I HATE being alone! The most horrible thing for me is coming home from work to my empty room with nothing to do for the rest of the night. I just can't stand it, for so many reasons.

First, I am generally unproductive when I'm alone. I don't know why, but I rarely get much done. (At least nothing of substance to show for it.) Or I do get things done but it takes me way longer than it needs to. I work much better under pressure - when I'm busy and only have a limited amount of time to finish. I also work better in a public place or with people around. I don't know why, but when I'm by myself I tend to just sit and ponder a lot. I'll think for long periods of time about the most random things.

Second, it makes me depressed. Yes, time spent alone for me has this 'black hole' quality about it that sucks my energy, willpower, and motivation. When I'm alone I become demotivated to do anything and even quite cynical about my very existence. In short, it's depressing.

Third, it's just not as fun. I don't ever feel like being alone is as much fun as spending time with friends, family, or others. Some people really enjoy time alone and are quite happy and productive during it - I am just not one of them.

I would like to think I am a people person. I think of the quality of my life in terms of how much I gain from my relationships with others. I usually think of the people I want to hang out with before I think of things I want to do. Don't be surprised if I suggest that we hang out but then struggle to figure out what to do. The purpose is to spend time with you - and so the activity is completely secondary and somewhat irrelevant to me.

I judge my success in life by the strength of the relationships I've developed and the people I've influenced. I don't care about the degrees I have, the grades I got, the books I've read, or the movies I've seen. I care about the time I spend with people. That's what makes me the most happy, optimistic, and fulfilled.

This is basically the reason why I believe being single my whole life is just not a plausible option for me.

Choosing The Right

From a very young age I was taught to 'choose the right.' I wore a CTR ring for many years to remind me of that very thing. And so I strived to live my life the best way that I knew how: by going to church faithfully, keeping all the commandments 100%, and following the unwritten order of things. For most of my life I have been bubbly and energetic about the gospel. I was the shining example for my siblings and the role model for my friends. I was Peter Priesthood in every sense of the word.

All of that changed when I started coming out a couple years ago. My enthusiasm for all things LDS was replaced by doubt and confusion. In many ways it was a selfish time for me. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I wanted out of life that I didn't think much about how it affected others. I relinquished my role as the producer to become the consumer. Instead of being the one who was reaching out to inactives I was the one being visited. And instead of setting the example I began to look to others for direction and understanding. In the midst of this I lost a lot of what I had become. Part of this I believe is because my desires to help other people, to be an example, and to 'choose the right' were all framed within the boundaries of the church.

I no longer have those boundaries. But that does not mean I have lost those values! I still want to be unselfish, to be an example, to support worthy causes, and to lift others' burdens. I want to be a friend to those who have few. I want to be honest and trustworthy at all times. I believe being good is a choice and not a trait. I don't think I live up to all my goals, but I know my heart is in the right place. I am really grateful to those who are willing to tell me when I don't live up to my own standards. And to those who help me become better. When just being around someone makes me want to be a better person I know that I am in good company. And that's the type of person I want to become.

In summary, to those who have not given up on me I want to say, 'thanks.' To those who have been a friend to me no matter where I was spiritually or emotionally: thank you. To those of you who have been willing to look past my faults and take my hand (either literally or figuratively), know that I sincerely love you and appreciate you. If you are one of the many who have offered a listening ear, a supportive voice, or just a shoulder to cry on, know that you are a true hero to me. Thank you for not abandoning me when I needed you most! It is because of you that this life is worth living. I am indebted to those of you in my life who have helped me realize that I can still 'choose the right' without fitting into the mold.

The 4th Option

A lot of MoHo's have discussed what are termed the '3 options' for their life: marry a woman, marry a man, or remain celibate and single. I debated those options for a long time myself. But ultimately it was the presence of a 4th option which persuaded me to make up my mind. I didn't choose that option, but seeing so many others choose it convinced me that I needed to go a different route.

The 4th option is a combination of the above three minus any serious commitment. It involves dating and doing stuff with lots of different guys, while dating girls to keep up appearances, and simultaneously claiming to be celibate and single. Those that choose the 4th option tend to be confused about what they want in life but too scared to seriously commit to any decision in life. So instead they continue to dabble with all three choices and end up ruining their own lives and others' in the process.*

I fully understand what it's like to be indecisive. Heck, it took me almost 2 years to figure out what I wanted! This post is not intended to push indecisive people one way or another. Rather, it is to point out that at a certain point, indecisiveness turns into a lifestyle choice all of its own: a 4th option. Obviously I do not believe this choice is healthy. Actually, I find it very destructive. I respect that many MoHo's are trying to decide between their testimony and their deep desires to find love - but at what cost? Is it worth spending the energy and time to keep up the appearances? Is it worth the cost of heartbreak and ruined relationships? Is it worth the mental anguish?

*Disclaimer: This post is not aimed at anyone in particular and I love all of my indecisive gay Mormon friends! ;) I really hope no one takes it the wrong way. I wrote this post just to jot down some of the random thoughts that have gone through my head lately, that's all.

Home for the Holidays

Going back to Seattle this year was quite an adventure! It started out with my flight home being canceled. (Don't worry, this story has a happy ending.) I was totally devastated! My vacation was only 5 days to begin with and now it was getting shortened. Well, my boss felt bad for me and pulled some strings to get me an extra few days off after Christmas. So instead of it being a 5 day vacation and having to come home on Christmas day I got to stay in Seattle for 8 days total. The flight cancellation that I was so bummed about turned out to be a blessing in disguise! It's amazing how things work out sometimes.

Well it was lucky that my plane even made it to Seattle the next day on the rescheduled flight. All the planes after the one I was on were diverted. When we got to Seattle we sat on the tarmac for over 2 hours because the airport was so packed with planes that couldn't leave that there was no place for us to go. That part was actually rather frustrating. But I found out later that of the 450 flights or so scheduled to go in or out of SeaTac that day, only 17 made it - and mine was one of them. I was once again very lucky.

I have never seen that much snow in Seattle before! It was seriously ridiculous. The good part of it all was that I got to spend several days inside since the whole state was pretty much 'snowed in.' It made the holiday seem that much more special. I love my family so much and it was so nice to see them.

So one day while my sister and I were out shopping I got a little surprise. After telling her how cute her son (my nephew) is and how I wanted children she looked at me seriously and said, "I'd be a surrogate for you." I was kind of taken aback to hear this because it was so random, but then asked her if she knew what she was getting into. We had a little discussion about it and even though I don't know that I would ever take her up on it I felt incredibly loved by her. I could tell she'd thought about it and I felt like she understood what it might be like to be in my situation. It was her way of letting me know she would do whatever she could to help me and support me. I love her.

The last day I was there I also had talks with my Mom and Dad, separately. My Mom was understanding as usual and actually surprised me with some things she said. I told her very frankly where I'm at in life and told her that I thought I would probably end up married to a guy. To my surprise she told me that she supported this, and actually disagreed with the church's stance on the issue. That really surprised me (since she's the stake RS pres.) but gave me a good opportunity to explore that topic further.

Me: "You know, Mom, I don't really know what place the church has in my life right now."

Mom: "I know."

And that was it. There wasn't any more that needed to be said. She somehow knew already about where I am in life. She knows that I might not be that typical Mormon boy that graduates BYU and gets married in the temple, has 3 children, and becomes Elder's Quorum President. And she's not only okay with me bringing a boy home for the holidays and introducing him to the family, she supports it. She even mistakenly thought that a MoHo boy that I brought home was someone I was dating. But the whole family was cool with it, even before they found out we weren't 'together'.

This Christmas was much different from previous ones for me. My family has changed so much in such a short time. From my Mom supporting my future gay marriage to my sister volunteering to be a surrogate for me, I could tell for the first time that this issue is actually no longer an issue for my family. It's now just part of how they see me and love me. I thought my family would never quite understand, now I think I was too hard on them.