I had a conversation last night with a friend about the church. We are at very different places, spiritually. Nevertheless, we still get along well and (for the most part) understand and respect each other. Something he said got me thinking though.
We were discussing a mutual friend who we believe has made some seemingly detrimental lifestyle choices. Then we began talking generally about all the people who have decided to leave the church over this issue. He said, as he has to me many times before, 'How can we trust their decision when they began living a gay lifestyle before they left the church?' His point, essentially, was that most people who leave the church experiment with gay 'activities' before doing so. Obviously, according to my friend, their decision is not objective and therefore unreliable.
I think I understand his point, but I disagree with it. When I asked him over a year ago why I had not been given a clear answer to my prayers about the church, he responded that it was because I was not 100% worthy or living the gospel enough to receive that confirmation. Oh the irony! On the one hand, he believes that you must live the (LDS) lifestyle completely in order to gain a testimony that it is right. Yet on the other hand, one cannot live the (gay) lifestyle and gain a testimony that it is right. Apparently, one must gain a testimony that the gay lifestyle is right while living the LDS lifestyle in order for it to be 'reliable.'
Since finally getting off the fence about my sexuality and future I can honestly say that I am much more content in life. I don't blog nearly as much as I once did - mostly because I have so much less to blog about. My life is not conflicted like it once was. I hope and believe that I will find someone I'm attracted to and have a deep connection with. I believe that I will be a father with my husband and that our relationship will be enduring. I believe that I will find lasting happiness with my future family and that we will support each other through all of the ups and downs of life. I believe that it can work. I believe more joy awaits me in my future than I can even imagine right now.
I believe.
Random fact about me you may not know: I love flowers. I can't even explain why, I just do. They make me happy.
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Best Part of Believe is the 'lie'
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
17 comments:
I love flowers, too.
Your post made me happy. It felt good to me. I am happy that you have found peace with your life and the path you are on.
I have not been reading many blogs lately, and so I just barely read your previous post. All the things you describe about being alone fit me as well.
Scott says he cannot imagine his life without me, but I feel bad that he might never know the happiness you are seeking. BUT I literally am scared to death of what would happen to me if we were to split up so that he could pursue that happiness. Just the thought of being alone, without him, well..., I don't think I could ever possibly survive it.
Anyway, I hope that you won't have to live your life alone. Thank you for letting me fall apart for a minute there. :)
Michael,
Great post! as for the flowers? My PGP teacher once told me that because everything in the Church is done by committee, it makes sense for the creation of the world to have been so as well. Perhaps you were on the flower committee!
Nice post, Michael. Funny the circular logic you encounter in the Church sometimes, isn't it. The closed systems. Patience is a virtue for all of us.
I too am glad you've found a more peaceful place, and I've enjoyed reading your journey as you've blogged about it. I find myself moving in similar directions.
And I like flowers too, especially roses. So you obviously have excellent taste. ;-)
You may have read too much into what I was saying :)
To me, we were never talking about going on some quest to know whether the gay lifestyle is "right." We were only talking about the process by which someone accepts or rejects the Church as being true. And those two premises that you think are contradictory are, I think, just different ways of describing the exact same process.
The first point, from over a year ago, is that you have to be trying to live the gospel to receive confirmation of its truth (I wouldn't say you have to do it perfectly, but you have to try to be doing it perfectly). The second point, from the other night, is that your beliefs almost always follow your behavior. In other words, it's unlikely you'll reach any conclusion that the Church is true after some extended period of making no effort to live its principles (In other words, refer to the first point).
So I intended none of my arguments to mean that a person can't live the gay lifestyle to know if it's right for him; even though I wouldn't recommend it, I believe it's very possible to do so.
I was basing those arguments on the promise we're given about the connection between living the gospel and seeing its fruits in our lives. I'm not sure of any equivalent promise put forth by the leaders of the gay lifestyle, but I'd be careful if the promise is that you'll feel relief from the stresses of Church life. When I graduated high school, I felt very relieved. I believe I felt happier, freer, less conflicted. But thankfully I didn't conclude that no school was the right life path for me.
I'm rambling. Love you.
One never needs to justify love of flowers... :)
Calvin,
Age has taught me that world isn't black and white, and that no one has answers that apply universally to others. I didn't think this as a young person.
The LDS lifestyle doesn't work for everyone (it just about killed me). I'm confident that both you and Michael, each following different paths, can contribute to society and live meaningful, happy lives.
I hope that you'll remain close friends and that despite your differences someday you'll be by Michael's side when he marries the person he loves. Your blessing would be a gesture of true friendship.
Michael,
You are such a good man, with such a big heart that I felt it the first time we met. No matter the path you take, I believe you will live with integrity. If you choose to raise a family with another man, I believe you will be a good husband and father.
I believe that spirituality is a core part of each of us that needs to be nourished and cultivated if we are truly going to find and maintain happiness in our lives.
Spirituality can be fed and flourish in the LDS church, no question. It can also, however, be nourished in any other church or organization whose PEOPLE seek to serve God and fellowman. It can be found by helping the elderly neighbor down the street clean out an overgrown flower bed. It can be strengthened by phoning a friend who needs moral support. It can be experienced by expressing gratitude to God for the beauty of his creations on a mountain peak. I could go on. I believe that it is through serving others that we best show our love to God and become more like our Savior, whose entire existence has been one of service to his Father and to us, his eternal siblings.
To me, the most redeeming aspect of the "Church" is found in the saving ordinances only found therein. Now, to me, that is the only aspect of the church that differentiates it from any other, and it is huge....if you believe that those saving ordinances are really required by God and only acceptable as performed by the LDS church. If you don't, the choice to stay or go is, for me, easy. GO, take the good and truth you have learned, build upon it, and never look back, if participating causes you to be less or feel less than your best self. If the fight to keep the faith, and the process of laying your natural desires on the alter to follow the teachings of the LDS faith helps you to reach your full potential, STAY IN and be true to the choice you have made.
This may surprise some who know me. To be totally honest, I don't know with 100%, or 90% or even 50% how I feel about this. Over the course of my life, I have gone from 99% certain that in order to return to God's presence one had to adhere to LDS teachings to 99% sure that it was one of the biggest farces in history to have ever been pulled off. Now, I am content in saying that I honestly don't know. I do not know. I do not know. I don't know if I will ever know.
It may sound strange to say that I am not bothered by the fact that I don't know. Some may say that I lack faith. I believe that in reality my faith IN GOD is stronger than it has ever been. I TRUST Him. By going through the things that I have, I am more tolerant, more loving, more understanding, more open to the belief that God loves and knows us better than anyone, and He alone will ultimately be our judge. The Savior will be our advocate.
I would hope, and to a large extent believe, that if the "saving ordinances" as taught by the LDS church are truly required of each of us, that our Father and his Son will provide a way in the eternities (and even LDS doctrine supports this) that those ordinances will be available to all - to all good men and women everywhere - Jew, gentile, black, white, gay, straight, rich, poor, American, Iranian.
I do believe that this life is a time of trial and growth. I believe that sacrifices are expected of us. I believe that self denial, loneliness, heartache, and pain are essential for our growth. I believe that sexual morality (discipline and lack of promiscuity) is essential for us to overcome our physical bodies, find happiness, internal peace, and spirituality. The same is true regarding physical addictions of any kind.
I believe we should embrace goodness and truth wherever they are found, and seek to live honorable lives, whether in or out of the LDS faith. We can do this in a heterosexual, homosexual, or mixed orientation relationship or marriage. For some, striving to live faithfully in the LDS faith may bring out the best in themselves. For some, it may do the opposite, and they would be better off nourishing their spirituality elsewhere.
It is unfathomable to me, that a gay or lesbian, who lives a life of true humanity - loving, caring, helping, sharing, reaching, honesty, industry, morality, and goodness will be denied the eternal blessings of a loving God.
Oh, and I like flowers too :)
@Calvin:
Media flak to the contrary, there is no such thing as "the gay lifestyle". There are as many ways to be gay as there are people. With respect, if you abandon that stereotype you might understand Michael even better.
And I also put it to you that it's just as likely that behavior follows belief, as that belief follows behavior. Each can be equally true. There are innumerable examples. Why would the early Saints have sacrificed what they did if their behavior didn't follow their belief?
@Michael: FWIW, I concur with Bravone's descriptions. Good man. Big heart. Integrity. Will make a wonderful husband and father.
Alan, I completely agree about the lifestyle thing. Michael and I have both used that term countless times in our conversations. I believe we only use it to mean when a person places more importance on the gay aspect of their identity than on the Mormon aspect of their identity. Obviously that could use a lot more explanation but I think Michael knows what we were referring to.
I mainly base my opinion about beliefs following behavior on the psychological idea of cognitive dissonance and on the many examples I've seen. Like Michael said, I've seen almost no one leave the Church in belief without first leaving it in behavior.
@Calvin:
Thanks for the clarification.
As to the belief/behavior thing, stick around and watch. If you look carefully, you will start to realize there are more than you think who leave the Church internally to one degree or another while still maintaining all the outward behaviors. Some may be closer to you than you realize.
Michael,
I am so happy and excited for you to no longer be conflicted. That must feel so good! Here's adding my hopes to yours that you achieve everything you are searching for!
@Calvin, @Alan: Look at me if you want evidence of belief preceding behavior. I don't think any but the most observant and perceptive in my ward would have any idea that I'm anything other than an active, faithful member of the Church, but where do I stand in terms of belief?
Well... expect a post on that subject on my blog in the not-too-distant future.
I was in the Temple, and worthy to be there, when I made the decision that I would not stay with the church. I made the decision prayerfully and carefully, and never felt anything but support from God in what is regarded as His house. So I disagree that only sinners decide to leave the church.
@Calvin:
Scott and Daniel are two of the people I had in mind when I made my last comment. I can assure you Calvin that they are only two of FAR more than you may realize.
It is an interesting idea that one has to be totally living the gospel in order to "be worthy to receive a testimony". It does seem very convenient that anyone who doesn't believe in the gospel can be dismissed as being, not worthy. On the other hand, I don't think the gospel says that you must be perfect to receive a testimony of it, and I think everyone, including the LDS Church, would agree that the best way to see wether you want to live a certain way is, well... to live that way. I suppose the Church would just say that you will one day regret living the way you now are. I suppose what I am saying is that, if you choose to believe in something, then you organize your world around that thing and you will always have an answer for everything. Im not just picking on members, but everyone. It makes discussion difficult, even amongst friends. People can try to understand, Im not sure if communion will ever occur though.
Post a Comment