I HATE being alone! The most horrible thing for me is coming home from work to my empty room with nothing to do for the rest of the night. I just can't stand it, for so many reasons.
First, I am generally unproductive when I'm alone. I don't know why, but I rarely get much done. (At least nothing of substance to show for it.) Or I do get things done but it takes me way longer than it needs to. I work much better under pressure - when I'm busy and only have a limited amount of time to finish. I also work better in a public place or with people around. I don't know why, but when I'm by myself I tend to just sit and ponder a lot. I'll think for long periods of time about the most random things.
Second, it makes me depressed. Yes, time spent alone for me has this 'black hole' quality about it that sucks my energy, willpower, and motivation. When I'm alone I become demotivated to do anything and even quite cynical about my very existence. In short, it's depressing.
Third, it's just not as fun. I don't ever feel like being alone is as much fun as spending time with friends, family, or others. Some people really enjoy time alone and are quite happy and productive during it - I am just not one of them.
I would like to think I am a people person. I think of the quality of my life in terms of how much I gain from my relationships with others. I usually think of the people I want to hang out with before I think of things I want to do. Don't be surprised if I suggest that we hang out but then struggle to figure out what to do. The purpose is to spend time with you - and so the activity is completely secondary and somewhat irrelevant to me.
I judge my success in life by the strength of the relationships I've developed and the people I've influenced. I don't care about the degrees I have, the grades I got, the books I've read, or the movies I've seen. I care about the time I spend with people. That's what makes me the most happy, optimistic, and fulfilled.
This is basically the reason why I believe being single my whole life is just not a plausible option for me.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
The Loneliness Factor
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8 comments:
Hi, Michael.
I have had this same conversation MANY times in my life, and more recently, several times with my therapist.
She tells me the same thing each time: "we are mamals, and therefore WANT to be with others. We want to bond with them, spend time with them, and have that someone special in our lives that helps us feel loved, wanted and needed."
What you are feeling is certainly a human emotion and reaction. ANd, it is also a tough place to be in, being alone, especially when you long for companionship, company, and sharing your life with someone in a meaningful way.
I feel for you. And, I feel for me and anyone else who struggles through these kinds of emotions. It is hard.
Thinking of you and sending you good enrgy. Duck
Michael, When I am alone, I respond the same way you do. I even feel alone in groups. When I am out of town for work, I hate it because I am alone. I don't go to bed until it is nearly time to get up or get anything productive done.
I know the loneliness you speak of is much more profound and enduring. I wish I could lift that loneliness from you, but can't.
I will pray, however, that Father will provide a way to ease your burden, if he will listen to me.
My life's a lot the same way...only I come home to an empty house that's out in the country...
I have fest this same exact way many times. If you ever want to hang out. I am up for it. Just let me know when and I can help pick what we can do.
I know that you know this, but whenever I feel lonely, I pick up a book or go out and do something that I absolutely love. Have you tried doing any of these things?
After some of the messages I've received, I feel the need to clarify something: I'm not that lonely. This post was intended as more of an exposition on my personality than as an indication of some current emotional instability.
I meant what I said about being alone - I hate it. But most of my time I do spend with people I enjoy. Most days I am happy, busy, and entertained by good company. It's only sometimes that I get lonely, but I try to avoid being alone whenever possible (for all of the reasons mentioned).
I'm deeply appreciative to the many friends and acquaintances who keep me from feeling lonely almost all of the time.
Love you man. For sure and you better believe me. ;) I'm pretty positive that you've spread a lot of influence for good - for emotional support and rational decision making and mental stability. Love you man.
This is what the straight leadership doesn't get.
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