The Best Part

Why I Changed My Name

2011-07-03T21:07:00.002-06:00

It has taken quite some time to get to this point, but I am just now changing my name on facebook. I know a lot of people might have questions about why I changed my name, why now, and how it all worked. Hopefully in writing this I can answer most questions. But if you have more feel free to ask in the comments.

Let me start at the beginning. After Brandon and I got engaged and really started wedding planning, the issue of name changing came up. There are so many options for gay couples when getting married. Especially since there is less tradition to dictate the 'proper' solution. After talking about it for a while, we ruled out hyphenating our last names or choosing a brand new one because we didn't want to both change our name. We also very much want children in the future and we want them to have a simple last name - the same as both their parents. We decided to be somewhat traditional and one of us take the other's name.

But how did we decide who should keep their name? Both of us were willing to make the change, as we were more concerned with creating a family unit than with anything else. Brandon seemed a little more attached to the idea of keeping his last name and concerned about becoming Dr. Rugg in the future. I didn't have any objections to being Michael Price. My only concern was that my family would somehow think it was a negative statement towards them. In fact, it is a testament to their unconditional love and acceptance that I knew I could do it and have their full support. I volunteered to do it and Brandon agreed.

When we were legally married in Massachusetts in June of 2010 I changed my last name from Rugg to Price. But that's not the end of the story. (Read on if you want to hear the saga of changing my name and why it has taken so long.) When we returned to Utah our marriage was no longer recognized. I started the process of changing my name by taking my marriage certificate to the local social security administration office. They changed my name without any questions. After receiving my updated social security card, I went to the Utah DMV to change my driver license. This is where I hit a brick wall. They wouldn't do it. They snidely suggested I get an updated driver license in a state that recognized it and then come back and get a Utah driver license. (See, discrimination doesn't hurt! There are easy ways around it - just quit your job, move to another state long enough to establish residency, and then come back! No biggie, right?)

Brandon and I quickly realized from this experience that institutionalized discrimination had the ability to harm our family in real and tangible ways. This was about the time we decided we would not live in Utah long term. But we had to wait til he graduated and so it has taken us some time.

In the meantime, something else interesting popped up. When it came time to file my taxes I had the interesting conundrum of wondering which name I should use since I was in a sort of 'name limbo' where my social security number was under a different name than most everything else. But taxes are all done based on your SSN. So I called the IRS and explained my situation. I was put on hold for great lengths of time before finally hearing, definitively, that I needed to file under Michael Price.

Both the federal government and, ironically, the State of Utah issued me tax return checks to Michael Price. But I didn't have any bank accounts (or photo identification for that matter) with that name on it. So I applied for an updated U.S. passport. Luckily, the so-called Defense of Marriage Act is no match for an understanding State Department (thank you, Hillary) and they changed my name. Armed with positive identification I have now begun really changing my name and after I arrive in Seattle in the next month or two my driver license will probably be the last thing to change.

It Gets Better

2010-10-22T19:43:00.003-06:00

Well folks, we did it. We tied the knot on June 19th, 2010. It came and went faster than I imagined, but was such an amazing experience (hopefully once-in-a-lifetime!). :) I don't know if I can fully articulate the joy I experienced whilst standing in front of so many family members and friends to commit my life to the man I love. The whole night was kind of surreal. I will never forget the flood of emotions that swept over me as I leaned in and kissed him after saying 'I do.' It was beautiful. It was incredible. It was good.

What a stark contrast to the lonely nights I spent at BYU tossing and turning in despair! At that time I never could have imagined where my life would take me and how the next few years would play out. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I spent far too much time debating my own self-worth and trying to find acceptance in a community that would not allow it. I tried hopelessly to embrace any option that would allow me to find fulfillment and maintain worthiness in the church. I endured great pain and anguish - mostly self inflicted - to try and fit the mold. Finally, I opened my heart and mind to other possibilities - that maybe what God wanted for me was different than what I thought. I prayed again and again to ask God if the course I was about to embark on was not right. Not once did I feel that it was wrong. And so I took that leap of faith.

Life after BYU was new and exciting, but not without difficulties. I had the opportunity to date several people and discover myself. Then, in the most unexpected way, I met Brandon. I never really believed people who said 'love will find you' or 'it just happens.' But they were right. I can't imagine someone who completes me more fully, lifts me when I am down, and pushes me to become better. He is funny, smart, attractive, ambitious, and sincere. And I love him. I am convinced now more than ever that this is the place God wanted me all along. This is where I will find more true happiness than any other path I might have chosen.

This is also the pinnacle of my cognitive dissonance with the church. Boyd K. Packer recently emphasized something that I think sums it up better than anything else, 'wickedness never was happiness.' I am happier now in my life than I have ever been before! Not that I haven't been happy before - but it's better now. Far better than I could have anticipated before. I understand the love, commitment, hard work, and rewarding life that comes with marriage to someone I am attracted to, on every level. To me, this is the purpose of life. This is what it is all about! I am challenged every day to become a better person - to improve myself, serve others, and contribute to my community. And I have a wonderful companion by my side to encourage, support, and love me along the way. I feel like together we are far greater than the sum of our parts and because of that God is pleased.

I don't have all the answers. I have a lot to learn about life and love. Each and every day I am presented with new challenges to which I have to adapt and learn from. I know the road ahead of me will be filled with plenty of ups and downs. I'll have good days and bad days. But to the struggling young BYU student who doesn't know where to go or what to do with their life I can assure you this: it gets better. Your life may or may not follow the same course mine has, but it will get better. You will mature and develop and learn what will bring you the most happiness. The best is yet to come. Don't ever give up hope or give in to despair. The world is growing more understanding and more accepting. Things are changing for the better all the time. And you really should be around to see it. It will be worth it, I promise.

Engagement

2010-01-13T22:47:00.001-07:00

Wow, it has been forever since I have posted! I will do a very quick catch-up of the last few months.

My blog has been dormant partly due to the peace in my life since graduating and making most of the important decisions that had been plaguing me for so long. Without those difficult decisions to anguish over every single day I haven't had as much to write about. Anyway, life has been good. I'm still working at your local discount brokerage firm and living in Salt Lake.

The biggest news in my life is that I'm now engaged. A little over 6 months ago I met the most amazing man and began dating. Brandon and I went on our first date July 8th and became exclusive relatively quick. The last 6 months have been truly incredible, some days more exciting than others but every moment worthwhile. I have never felt so alive!

I won't go into too many details here, but since several people have asked for the story of how we got engaged, I decided to post it for anyone to read. Here goes.

Friday the 8th of January was our 6 month anniversary. I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks (and I'm sure he was too but not for the same reason ;) ). I went to work as usual, planning to pick him up at 5:15 for our date. To be clear, we planned on a nice date but I was in charge of planning what that date would entail.

After I got off work I texted him to tell him where he could locate a CD that I had made for him. It had several songs that were meaningful to us over the last several months. His task was to listen to it before I got there. I showed up at 5:20, roses in hand, and picked him up. First we headed to a park near the E-Center where we walked around on our very first date. July is very different than January though, so we couldn't walk around the park or sit on the grass to talk like we had done before. Instead we sat in the car to talk. I wanted to remind him of where we were when I started to develop a crush at the very beginning. (Picture to the right was taken on that first date from where we were sitting on the grass and watching the sunset. You can even see his leg.)

Next we headed to downtown Salt Lake and went to dinner at Benihana. Brandon had never been and I wanted to show him a little Japanese culture. We ate beef sashimi along with our meals, which was surprisingly good! And the food was very authentic (minus the mango lemonade).

Then we went ice skating at the Gallivan Center. With the music playing, snow on the ground, and Christmas lights still up it was actually quite romantic. I thought I would freeze but it turns out that skating is a bit of a workout. I warmed right up! Except for my nose and fingers, but that's what boyfriends are for... ;)

From there it was getting late, so we drove up behind the state capitol building to see the view. We went up by Ensign Peak and parked the car. After a minute or two of steep climbing, we turned around to take in the view. It was beautiful! At that point I knelt down and pulled out the ring. There is nothing I could ever want more than to spend the rest of my life with the one I love! I asked him to marry me (after a few words to tell him how much I love him, of course). He said yes!

Here's looking forward to The Best Part.

The Best Part

2009-05-12T22:38:00.004-06:00

Life moves fast. Over the past 3 months so much has happened, and yet it has all passed by so quickly.

Coming out on facebook was a fantastic experience. Almost all of the comments and messages I received were unconditionally supportive and encouraging. There were only a few private messages which weren't. I realize that trying to explain my decisions to people that don't understand homosexuality (or my life over the last 3 years) is near futile. In the end, I am just grateful that 92% of everyone I know and care about does not think less of me. My family supports me, and that's all I really care about anyway.

I moved into a new apartment a few days after my birthday. Michael Wiltbank and I spent the following two weeks decorating and getting our new lives sorted out. There was a lot to do, but it all came together nicely. We had a very fun housewarming party. I'm so thankful for an awesome roommate who can decorate, photograph, cook, and clean. I really do love my living situation. It's by far the most comfortable environment I've been in since I lived at home before my mission.

Not everything in my life is perfect though. I'm kind of frustrated with my job right now. My love life has stalled. I don't feel spiritual enough. Both of the preceding items are due to a church which I have a love/hate relationship with. I'm not a very good investor, despite my supposed 'expertise.' I got my first ever ticket for an 'improper left turn' and had to pay $112.

Overall though, life is definitely good. I have a long road ahead of me and so much of it is unknown. But when it comes to my sexuality and future goals I am no longer conflicted like I was when I started this blog. The dearth of recent blog posts stems mostly from the plethora of peace in my life. There just isn't the same conflict and inner turmoil that once existed. My blog is different because I don't agonize over those things I once did. I recognize that the path before me is going to be full of ups and downs, and I know that I have a lot to learn about life. I'm just thankful to be past the tumultuous period of self-discovery known as coming out.

I've finally arrived at the best part.

A Birthday Present to Myself

2009-03-25T00:58:00.002-06:00

I decided to finally do it. I came out on facebook. The following was just posted on my wall:

This note has been a long time coming. Coming out has been a long process (which started essentially when I was 13). It took me almost 9 years to finally whisper a simple phrase even to myself in the secrecy of my own bedroom: I am gay.

Since that day in the spring of 2006, I have been more and more open about my sexuality. Although I didn't tell my parents and family until the following year, I have since been willing to tell anyone who asked me. And now, after several long years of learning to be comfortable in my own skin, I am ready to be 100% honest with myself, my friends, and so many of you who I have not been able to keep up with as much as I'd like.

I will not dwell on the countless hours I spent agonizing over the choices I had to make. Or the time spent on my knees waiting, pleading, for God to give me an answer - demanding something I could rely on. Or the tear-filled phone calls with friends and family who listened to my anguish. I just don't think there is any way to adequately describe the process I went through to get to where I am today. But it has shaped me as a person in so many ways.

I hope that through this note you will be able to better know me and understand who I am. This does not change the person I am though. While I have made significant changes in my life recently, I'd like to think I'm the same nerdy, organized, and thoughtful kid you've always known. And while some of the context has changed, most of my life goals are still the same (or very similar).

I want to be a successful businessman. I don't want fame or riches, but a good lifestyle with enough of the things that really matter. I want to be well traveled, and to explore new places. I hope to be an example to those around me and inspire others. I hope to someday marry a man who will be a loving father to our children, just as I want to be. And most of all I hope to be able to look back someday and realize that it was all worth it - the trials and the struggles, learning to love and be loved, and accepting myself were all worth it and made me a better person.

And so, as you have probably come here to wish me well on my birthday, I hope that this has been worthwhile. My hope is that instead of just leaving a simple message on my wall you took this chance to get to know me better. I hope that you will put some thought into this issue and reach out to others who may have walked this particular path in life. Mine has been relatively easy, but for so many others it is not. And it is for them that I will continue to reach out, to help, and hopefully to inspire so that their burdens may be light. I want them to know that there is hope, that it gets better, and that there is reason to live and reason to love.

As with others, my journey to this point has been difficult. But, so far at least, I can say it has been worth it. Thank you to all who have helped me so much and supported me unconditionally. It is because of you that I am here today: a happy, healthy, 25 year old gay guy.

The Best Part of Believe is the 'lie'

2009-03-20T21:21:00.002-06:00

I had a conversation last night with a friend about the church. We are at very different places, spiritually. Nevertheless, we still get along well and (for the most part) understand and respect each other. Something he said got me thinking though.

We were discussing a mutual friend who we believe has made some seemingly detrimental lifestyle choices. Then we began talking generally about all the people who have decided to leave the church over this issue. He said, as he has to me many times before, 'How can we trust their decision when they began living a gay lifestyle before they left the church?' His point, essentially, was that most people who leave the church experiment with gay 'activities' before doing so. Obviously, according to my friend, their decision is not objective and therefore unreliable.

I think I understand his point, but I disagree with it. When I asked him over a year ago why I had not been given a clear answer to my prayers about the church, he responded that it was because I was not 100% worthy or living the gospel enough to receive that confirmation. Oh the irony! On the one hand, he believes that you must live the (LDS) lifestyle completely in order to gain a testimony that it is right. Yet on the other hand, one cannot live the (gay) lifestyle and gain a testimony that it is right. Apparently, one must gain a testimony that the gay lifestyle is right while living the LDS lifestyle in order for it to be 'reliable.'

Since finally getting off the fence about my sexuality and future I can honestly say that I am much more content in life. I don't blog nearly as much as I once did - mostly because I have so much less to blog about. My life is not conflicted like it once was. I hope and believe that I will find someone I'm attracted to and have a deep connection with. I believe that I will be a father with my husband and that our relationship will be enduring. I believe that I will find lasting happiness with my future family and that we will support each other through all of the ups and downs of life. I believe that it can work. I believe more joy awaits me in my future than I can even imagine right now.

I believe.

Random fact about me you may not know: I love flowers. I can't even explain why, I just do. They make me happy.

The Loneliness Factor

2009-03-01T16:25:00.004-07:00

I HATE being alone! The most horrible thing for me is coming home from work to my empty room with nothing to do for the rest of the night. I just can't stand it, for so many reasons.

First, I am generally unproductive when I'm alone. I don't know why, but I rarely get much done. (At least nothing of substance to show for it.) Or I do get things done but it takes me way longer than it needs to. I work much better under pressure - when I'm busy and only have a limited amount of time to finish. I also work better in a public place or with people around. I don't know why, but when I'm by myself I tend to just sit and ponder a lot. I'll think for long periods of time about the most random things.

Second, it makes me depressed. Yes, time spent alone for me has this 'black hole' quality about it that sucks my energy, willpower, and motivation. When I'm alone I become demotivated to do anything and even quite cynical about my very existence. In short, it's depressing.

Third, it's just not as fun. I don't ever feel like being alone is as much fun as spending time with friends, family, or others. Some people really enjoy time alone and are quite happy and productive during it - I am just not one of them.

I would like to think I am a people person. I think of the quality of my life in terms of how much I gain from my relationships with others. I usually think of the people I want to hang out with before I think of things I want to do. Don't be surprised if I suggest that we hang out but then struggle to figure out what to do. The purpose is to spend time with you - and so the activity is completely secondary and somewhat irrelevant to me.

I judge my success in life by the strength of the relationships I've developed and the people I've influenced. I don't care about the degrees I have, the grades I got, the books I've read, or the movies I've seen. I care about the time I spend with people. That's what makes me the most happy, optimistic, and fulfilled.

This is basically the reason why I believe being single my whole life is just not a plausible option for me.

Choosing The Right

2009-02-10T00:28:00.001-07:00

From a very young age I was taught to 'choose the right.' I wore a CTR ring for many years to remind me of that very thing. And so I strived to live my life the best way that I knew how: by going to church faithfully, keeping all the commandments 100%, and following the unwritten order of things. For most of my life I have been bubbly and energetic about the gospel. I was the shining example for my siblings and the role model for my friends. I was Peter Priesthood in every sense of the word.

All of that changed when I started coming out a couple years ago. My enthusiasm for all things LDS was replaced by doubt and confusion. In many ways it was a selfish time for me. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I wanted out of life that I didn't think much about how it affected others. I relinquished my role as the producer to become the consumer. Instead of being the one who was reaching out to inactives I was the one being visited. And instead of setting the example I began to look to others for direction and understanding. In the midst of this I lost a lot of what I had become. Part of this I believe is because my desires to help other people, to be an example, and to 'choose the right' were all framed within the boundaries of the church.

I no longer have those boundaries. But that does not mean I have lost those values! I still want to be unselfish, to be an example, to support worthy causes, and to lift others' burdens. I want to be a friend to those who have few. I want to be honest and trustworthy at all times. I believe being good is a choice and not a trait. I don't think I live up to all my goals, but I know my heart is in the right place. I am really grateful to those who are willing to tell me when I don't live up to my own standards. And to those who help me become better. When just being around someone makes me want to be a better person I know that I am in good company. And that's the type of person I want to become.

In summary, to those who have not given up on me I want to say, 'thanks.' To those who have been a friend to me no matter where I was spiritually or emotionally: thank you. To those of you who have been willing to look past my faults and take my hand (either literally or figuratively), know that I sincerely love you and appreciate you. If you are one of the many who have offered a listening ear, a supportive voice, or just a shoulder to cry on, know that you are a true hero to me. Thank you for not abandoning me when I needed you most! It is because of you that this life is worth living. I am indebted to those of you in my life who have helped me realize that I can still 'choose the right' without fitting into the mold.

The 4th Option

2009-01-11T00:12:00.001-07:00

A lot of MoHo's have discussed what are termed the '3 options' for their life: marry a woman, marry a man, or remain celibate and single. I debated those options for a long time myself. But ultimately it was the presence of a 4th option which persuaded me to make up my mind. I didn't choose that option, but seeing so many others choose it convinced me that I needed to go a different route.

The 4th option is a combination of the above three minus any serious commitment. It involves dating and doing stuff with lots of different guys, while dating girls to keep up appearances, and simultaneously claiming to be celibate and single. Those that choose the 4th option tend to be confused about what they want in life but too scared to seriously commit to any decision in life. So instead they continue to dabble with all three choices and end up ruining their own lives and others' in the process.*

I fully understand what it's like to be indecisive. Heck, it took me almost 2 years to figure out what I wanted! This post is not intended to push indecisive people one way or another. Rather, it is to point out that at a certain point, indecisiveness turns into a lifestyle choice all of its own: a 4th option. Obviously I do not believe this choice is healthy. Actually, I find it very destructive. I respect that many MoHo's are trying to decide between their testimony and their deep desires to find love - but at what cost? Is it worth spending the energy and time to keep up the appearances? Is it worth the cost of heartbreak and ruined relationships? Is it worth the mental anguish?

*Disclaimer: This post is not aimed at anyone in particular and I love all of my indecisive gay Mormon friends! ;) I really hope no one takes it the wrong way. I wrote this post just to jot down some of the random thoughts that have gone through my head lately, that's all.

Home for the Holidays

2009-01-05T22:33:00.007-07:00

Going back to Seattle this year was quite an adventure! It started out with my flight home being canceled. (Don't worry, this story has a happy ending.) I was totally devastated! My vacation was only 5 days to begin with and now it was getting shortened. Well, my boss felt bad for me and pulled some strings to get me an extra few days off after Christmas. So instead of it being a 5 day vacation and having to come home on Christmas day I got to stay in Seattle for 8 days total. The flight cancellation that I was so bummed about turned out to be a blessing in disguise! It's amazing how things work out sometimes.

Well it was lucky that my plane even made it to Seattle the next day on the rescheduled flight. All the planes after the one I was on were diverted. When we got to Seattle we sat on the tarmac for over 2 hours because the airport was so packed with planes that couldn't leave that there was no place for us to go. That part was actually rather frustrating. But I found out later that of the 450 flights or so scheduled to go in or out of SeaTac that day, only 17 made it - and mine was one of them. I was once again very lucky.

I have never seen that much snow in Seattle before! It was seriously ridiculous. The good part of it all was that I got to spend several days inside since the whole state was pretty much 'snowed in.' It made the holiday seem that much more special. I love my family so much and it was so nice to see them.

So one day while my sister and I were out shopping I got a little surprise. After telling her how cute her son (my nephew) is and how I wanted children she looked at me seriously and said, "I'd be a surrogate for you." I was kind of taken aback to hear this because it was so random, but then asked her if she knew what she was getting into. We had a little discussion about it and even though I don't know that I would ever take her up on it I felt incredibly loved by her. I could tell she'd thought about it and I felt like she understood what it might be like to be in my situation. It was her way of letting me know she would do whatever she could to help me and support me. I love her.

The last day I was there I also had talks with my Mom and Dad, separately. My Mom was understanding as usual and actually surprised me with some things she said. I told her very frankly where I'm at in life and told her that I thought I would probably end up married to a guy. To my surprise she told me that she supported this, and actually disagreed with the church's stance on the issue. That really surprised me (since she's the stake RS pres.) but gave me a good opportunity to explore that topic further.

Me: "You know, Mom, I don't really know what place the church has in my life right now."

Mom: "I know."

And that was it. There wasn't any more that needed to be said. She somehow knew already about where I am in life. She knows that I might not be that typical Mormon boy that graduates BYU and gets married in the temple, has 3 children, and becomes Elder's Quorum President. And she's not only okay with me bringing a boy home for the holidays and introducing him to the family, she supports it. She even mistakenly thought that a MoHo boy that I brought home was someone I was dating. But the whole family was cool with it, even before they found out we weren't 'together'.

This Christmas was much different from previous ones for me. My family has changed so much in such a short time. From my Mom supporting my future gay marriage to my sister volunteering to be a surrogate for me, I could tell for the first time that this issue is actually no longer an issue for my family. It's now just part of how they see me and love me. I thought my family would never quite understand, now I think I was too hard on them.

Change

2008-12-08T22:58:00.004-07:00

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change. -Charles Darwin

I first read this as I was sitting in an optometrist's office a few weeks ago. It gave me a lot of consolation as I was pondering the passage of prop 8 and thinking about where my place is in society. I know deep down that the 'progressive' voices of our country and the church are the ones who will win out in the end. Gay rights will move forward at a relatively steady pace as it has done over the last 20 years. A very objective look at some of the stats and public opinion polls should lead any rational person to the conclusion that gay rights, and even gay marriage, will be the rule and not the exception within the next 20 years or so.

That quote also got me thinking about a lot of the other changes in my life over the last while. I feel like I've changed a lot - so much so that I'm a little nervous to hang out with those that haven't been as close to me in some time. But I like the changes that I've made. I feel like I have a lot more direction in life now than I had 6 months or 2 years ago. I feel more comfortable with myself and the experiences I've had. There have been a lot of ups and downs since I started coming out 2 years ago, but I feel like I have a lot to show for it. My life (for the most part) feels steady and balanced. Sure I get lonely sometimes and wish I had a special someone around, but I am confident that will come with time. I'm content for now to be developing lots of different friendships and working on my career. I haven't given up on the dream, but I'm okay with not having a love interest right now (although that hasn't stopped me from having a few crushes :) ).

Lastly, I just want to say that I recognize that not all change is good (for instance, the California constitution was recently changed...). I just hope that I can make the right changes in my life and be adaptive, flexible, and responsive to the events and experiences which will continue to shape me. I have no idea where the future will take me, but I hope that I can keep myself from getting stuck in one place. My biggest fear is not that I will make the wrong choice in life, but rather that I will stop making choices and instead just 'dig in' for the long haul.

Bitterness

2008-11-16T23:00:00.003-07:00

I wish that I could thoroughly respond to all of the comments to some posts. I usually just don't want to go to all the hassle of responding point-by-point. An anonymous person posted the entire transcript of the church's PR article about same-sex marriage on my last post. Whoever you are, I just want to say that I had read the piece in it's entirety long before you posted it. And quite frankly, I was disappointed in the way the church used so many blatant and easily debunked lies to convince people that prop 8 wasn't really about religion. From the Mormon perspective, prop 8 was good because the prophet said so - not because it protected children or religious freedoms or even marriage. They just knew that saying 'the prophet said so' didn't hold as much clout with most people, so instead they used fear and misleading arguments to persuade the mostly apathetic population. Oh well, by their fruits ye shall know them.

The point of this post, ironically, is to point out that I'm really not as bitter as I sound. Sure, I've been disappointed (to put it lightly) at the debate over gay rights both in and out of the church. But I don't harbor any ill feelings towards the church or those who hold opposing viewpoints from my own. I will passionately disagree with them and debate their arguments, but I don't hate them. I did not participate in the protest on the church a week or so ago. I will gladly participate in a candlelight vigil or other show of support for gay people, but I don't see the need to demonstrate anger for others who express their beliefs just like I do (albeit they are beliefs I strongly disagree with). For me to demand respect of members of the church but then protest their beliefs feels hypocritical to me. Sure the church used sketchy tactics to promote their agenda, but their strongly-held beliefs are not entirely irrational - something I have to remind myself of at times.

So I've been trying really hard (although somewhat unsuccessfully) to not be bitter towards the church or members who supported prop 8. I hope that I wasn't too strong in my wording over the last couple posts. Despite the many things that I disagree with or don't understand pertaining to the church in general or the gay marriage debate, I still have profound respect for the church and for my numerous friends who supported prop 8. I hope they know that my disagreement was on a particular issue but does not affect my feelings towards them personally. And I hope most of all that I can continue to remind myself that there is no need to be bitter about things like this. It's good to be passionate about it, but ultimately bitterness only harms the one who harbors it.

A Political Note

2008-10-28T21:24:00.006-06:00

I know just about everyone is sick of politics by now. I'm with the rest of you in wishing that this election would be over - both the presidential race as well as the Prop. 8 fight. But since I'm a very politically minded person, I would like to take just a moment here to clarify my positions.

I endorsed Barack Obama for president a long time ago. Long before he was the favorite to win against McCain and long before he was even the favorite to win against Hillary. I'd like to think I've been an Obama supporter pretty much from the beginning. It probably goes without saying that I still completely support Obama and look forward to significant change and progress in America beginning in less than a week.

As for Prop. 8, I'm obviously strongly opposed to it. This election cycle has been particularly devastating for me and my testimony. As much as I wanted to believe that the church would never do anything to infringe on other people's free agency or try to force our beliefs on them, I was proven very wrong. The church continues to use stunningly non-specific prophesies of doom and gloom to warn against gay marriage, but ultimately provides little in the way of sound arguments for why we should write our religious beliefs into law. I don't know how I can pay tithing amidst news that the church is directly financing the Yes on 8 campaign. It makes me cry, literally. My meager donation to support all families - even 'non-traditional' ones - just can't compete against that kind of powerful and organized discrimination.

My Thoughts on the Church

2008-10-01T22:09:00.005-06:00

"I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good... is of God. But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil... is of the devil." -Moroni 7:16-17

After my last post I received some concerned emails because I stated that I don't really believe in the church anymore. I will clarify my thoughts and feelings briefly.

First of all, I have nothing against the church. I do not regret being raised LDS, going on a mission, or giving as much as I have to it. Quite the opposite, actually. I love my LDS heritage and am deeply grateful for the moral foundations I was taught. I don't think I would be the person I am today without the wonderful and inspiring programs which helped shape my childhood and youth. I loved primary, young men's, boy scouts, my mission, and my time at BYU. All of those experiences have led to profound respect and even awe at the church and its members.

To be totally honest, I wish that I could still believe. I love the direction and motivation that comes with being an active Latter-day Saint. I love feeling like I'm part of something big and doing the 'right' thing. And, for the most part, I love the culture. I so badly wish I could just know it was true and not have to make my own decisions in life. (Of course I'd be making my own decisions either way, but I crave that clear direction and path which takes one from the premortal life to the Celestial Kingdom.) Life was so much easier when I believed.

But I can't ignore reality just because it's easier. I have dozens of deep doctrinal questions and doubts about the church. And although I would love for it to be God's organization on the earth - it seems to be really just like any other church led by mortals who make mistakes and sometimes preach their opinions instead of truth. When it comes right down to it though, the only thing I am given to rely on for a testimony is the good feeling I get (sometimes) when I pray or go to church. But those feelings aren't any different from powerful feelings I've had while doing things that were wrong by church standards.

The reality of the matter is that living a celibate life or getting married just isn't practical. If I were straight, I could make do on a mediocre testimony. To me, living the standards of the church aren't that hard and I had very few problems doing so for the first 22 years of my life. Living without love, however, is something that I don't think I can ever accomplish. Nor do I think it's something that a loving Heavenly Father would want for me. In the end, if my worst sin in life is loving someone and I get sent to Hell for that, so be it.

My thoughts about the church and which path I would choose have not really changed that much in the last year. I've just been a little more pragmatic towards it recently. I've asked many times in prayer if I should marry a woman or if I should try to live a celibate life and have never felt any strong promptings to that effect. I've asked very specifically if it was wrong to pursue a loving relationship with another man and have never felt so.

Two things in particular have pushed me towards a gay lifestyle recently:
1) The church's actions with relation to Proposition 8 in California have demonstrated to me that the church's policies are guided out of a spirit of homophobia much more than a spirit of love. It's remarkably similar to the spirit of 'love' with which Blacks were denied equal blessings in God's kingdom only a generation ago.
And 2) I've seen far too many MoHo's try unsuccessfully to follow the church's prescribed course only to end up repeatedly 'messing up' and causing heartache for themselves and others who get caught in their life of self-deception. (The deception, of course, being that celibacy or marriage is a healthy solution to SSA.) I will not fall into that trap. I sincerely respect and applaud those who are trying their hardest to make either of those options work, but I know that for me in my situation it is not going to work. Nor do I believe it is what God wants for me.

Perfecting the Saints

2008-09-28T22:17:00.003-06:00

Sorry that it's been a couple of weeks. I was gone last weekend on a brief vacation back to my old hometown of Vancouver, Washington for a friend's wedding. Generally I don't support exclusive institutions, but for this friend I did. ;) It was a fun break and I got to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen since my middle school and high school days. Wow, if they only knew how much I've changed since then!

So I taught Elder's Quorum today. (If you know me at all, you should be very surprised right now. I'm even surprised seeing it in writing.) I've been to this ward twice since living in Salt Lake, and I'm moving out this week. But nevermind that, they didn't have someone to teach and so they randomly called a new guy on the rolls to do the job. Perhaps it was a reactivation effort - since the lesson was on that very topic. It was Pres. Monson's talk from the last conference: Looking Back and Moving Forward.

I'm not even sure why I agreed to do the lesson. I tried to make some excuses when I got the call, but felt bad turning it down. I don't even really believe in the church anymore - but a part of me still feels bad not going to church or turning down a calling or something. (I will clarify my feelings about the church in another post sometime.) So I reluctantly said yes. I figured I can't complain about how other people are doing things if I'm not willing to do it myself.

I taught the lesson by briefly summarizing the talk, and then opening most of the time for people to share experiences with reactivation efforts. I gave them a few examples and asked them to share what they would tell the person in that scenario. For instance, I brought up a person who was born and raised in the church but has never felt like they had a real testimony. A person who is not willing to give up their whole life sacrificing for the church without a more sure knowledge. They've pleaded in prayer time and time again for a confirmation but have received nothing more than a good feeling similar to the one they got after watching V for Vendetta. It was interesting to hear their responses - for the most part insincere textbook answers. They will probably never know that what they thought was a hypothetical scenario was actually a real opportunity placed right in front of them. A part of me almost wishes that they had said something to change my mind about the church.

Conclusions

2008-09-14T19:13:00.000-06:00

So after reading the responses to my last post and talking to some more people, I've come to the following conclusions:

1) My fear of promiscuity is somewhat unjustifiable, and probably comes from an overly idealistic view of the world.

2) Most of the arguments against promiscuity are religious.

3) The ones that aren't include: STD's, injured relationships, stress/emotional pain, and debasing an act which could otherwise be very special.

Everyone brought up good points. In the end, I really liked most what Jenni, Post-it boy, and Drex had to say. Not because their comments were more legitimate than the others - but because they more accurately reflect my personal feelings about promiscuity. I think sex is something special - not to be given away freely to anyone who wants it. I want my future relationship(s) to be special, and for sexual intimacy to be the medium through which I convey the "specialness" of said relationship(s). I can't think of many other ways to tell someone that I love them more thoroughly than to share with them something that I refuse to share with others. If I have sex with lots of people, then it will not be very special for my future love. So I plan on keeping it special - and I think that I have the self control to do so. The point for me is that I don't want to share that intimacy with anyone - whether a friend or random hookup - unless I'm truly in love with a person, and until I know them well.

Promiscuity

2008-09-08T00:17:00.003-06:00

I've talked about this subject in previous posts. But this time it's a lot more personal and with a much different perspective.

The basic question that I want to ask with this post is this: Is promiscuity really bad? If so, what makes it bad? If two or more people have consensual sex and are safe about it, is there really a good argument for why it should be avoided? Granted, there are many good religious arguments (you'll go to hell, or not go to heaven, etc.). But are there many other arguments?

My personal philosophy has always been that I am opposed to promiscuity. I've seen people who have sex with other people that they don't really care about, aren't in love with, or that they won't see much afterward. These people don't generally seem to be very happy - and they usually cause a lot of hurt and pain to the people they deceive whilst indulging their selfish desires. Yet even that observation is circumstantial - it provides little concrete evidence or reasoning as to why one should avoid promiscuity altogether. Obviously people who participate in frequent and superficial sexual activity are not feeling guilty enough to stop, so are they really unhappy?

I don't think that I am promiscuous, but I wonder if this is even a noble attribute. Why is it that I cringe at the thought of promiscuity? Why do I get so frustrated and hurt when I find out about others' promiscuity? Why is non-committal sex bad?

I've talked about this with several people and gotten different responses. One close friend told me that he was struggling with the idea too - and that he couldn't really see why it was bad. I couldn't really give him any non-religious arguments to support my viewpoint either. Of course, this person was doing things with different guys on consecutive nights so maybe he wasn't the best to talk to, but it still got me thinking. What do you think? How do you justify promiscuity or non-promiscuity?

Lots of Changes

2008-08-31T17:43:00.005-06:00

Wow, it's been forever since I've posted. Sorry for being such a sucky blogger. The last month and a half of my life has been really busy and interesting. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version, and maybe fill in details at a later time.

The first week in August was the beginning of a lot of changes. For starters I had my third interview for a job and got it! (More to come about the job in a minute.) That week I also had my last college class ever. Such an amazing feeling - but sad at the same time. I have lots of (good and bad) memories from my college days, so it was a little overwhelming. That week I also had my last day of work at BYU. It was my last day ever (probably for my whole life) of being a security guard. That was difficult too, because I've been doing it for three years and loved my job. I tried to take a picture of me in my security uniform on my last day, but it was on my cell phone and didn't turn out great.

Later that week my family got into town. That was awesome. I got to spend a fun-filled week travelling and hanging out with my family. They're so much fun and I feel lucky to have such great people in my life. We went to Moab for a couple days, Lagoon, Seven Peaks, Timp caves, and ate at lots of great restaurants. On Thursday the 14th of August I took my last ever final exam and then attended graduation. My family and I went to Goodwood BBQ in Provo (a place I've always wanted to go but thought was too expensive - turns out it's actually not that expensive but is definitely delicious and I recommend it!). The rest of graduation was Friday morning and then I took my family on a tour around campus. They gave me my graduation presents (lots of cash and clothes) and then they headed back to Seattle.

Saturday was moving day. I said goodbye to my apartment and all the memories that I made there, and headed up to Salt Lake. I stayed at a friend's place for a couple nights before moving into my new place - a nice townhome with two rooms. My roommate is gay, but not LDS. He's actually fairly quiet and mostly keeps to himself, so we get along great. He doesn't have any crazy parties or anything and it is just a really comfortable environment for me to be at this point in my life.

Monday the 18th was also the first day of my new job. I now work for E*Trade as a financial services representative. Once I finish training and get my stock broker's license (Series 7 if you know...) I'll be answering phones and talking to E*Trade customers about their accounts and investments. There's no sales and no commission involved. Just answering questions and helping people with their account. It's the perfect job for me and goes along with what I was studying in school and wanted to do. The pay is great (for a single guy at least) and after two weeks on the job I'm loving it.

Well that about sums it up. I'm all graduated from BYU, living in SLC (Sandy, actually), and working for E*Trade. Life feels pretty good. There's been a lot of stressful things and other events in my life, but those are the major changes for now. Hope you're all doing great - I'll try to update again soon. Maybe do some posts on some other thoughts I've been having or go into detail about some of these events in my life of the last month.

Love, Lust, and the Pursuit of Happiness

2008-07-15T23:13:00.001-06:00

Warning: This post is a rant and could be offensive. Reader discretion advised.

There comes a point in all of our lives where we have to start making important and serious decisions about our morals. That point is probably in the early teens, when sexual temptations begin to really develop. The catch here is that for most people, we have to make and recommit to our morals continually throughout life. Sometimes we make adjustments as our experiences shape our perspective - a process that is normal and probably desirable. However, far too many people give up their morals altogether. This is something that seems to happen with MoHo's more drastically than with other groups.

To put it bluntly, I've heard disturbing rumors about the state of the MoHo community - especially here in Provo. I'm in no position to repeat them here, nor would I want to, but let me just express some of my thoughts on the topic quickly.

Being gay is not justification to have sex with whoever you want. Not having a testimony or even believing the church is a falsehood is also not a good reason to be promiscuous, drink, do drugs, and give up on your morals. These types of actions are reckless, demeaning, and unproductive. No matter who you are or what you've been through - no matter how mad you are at life or the church - don't turn to promiscuity and substance abuse to drown out your sorrows! Do something productive with your life and keep your integrity! These things will never bring you happiness (although perhaps temporary gratification) and will eventually lead to unhappiness and regret. I think it causes a lot of depression, too.

I will confess as I usually do that I'm not perfect and I've made tons of mistakes. Through it all one thing I've learned for certain is that loosening my morals rarely makes me more happy. It usually ends up with a lot of regret. My standard has always been no sex until marriage (or similar commitment) and I know that anything contrary would only make me lose confidence in myself. Even if this is not your standard, I'm sure you can come up with something that works for you and allows you to keep your dignity and self-worth.

And finally, don't ever do drugs! I don't understand why so many people feel the need to turn to alcohol or other drugs when they feel ostracized from society, the church, or their community. Drinking is an immature form of rebellion. It's just that simple. Don't do it. Ever. How can gay people, and most specifically gay Mormons, ever hope to find acceptance and understanding when they so easily conform to the stereotype of flamboyant promiscuous druggies? If you're involved in this, you're doing all gay Mormons a disservice by confirming the mostly ridiculous arguments used by gay bashers and homophobes. You're actually making it harder for people who experience SSA to come out and work towards progress in the church and in society! I implore you to be responsible and smart, to set high standards for yourself and those around you, and to be an example of the goodness of people with SSA rather than the stereotype that the rest of us face unfairly.

Some Updates

2008-07-12T10:37:00.000-06:00

So first off, since it's been forever since I posted, I'll update you on my last post. I asked both of my parents about how they felt about the priesthood ban while it was still in place. My Dad didn't seem like he'd put much thought into it and said "Yeah, we never thought it would go away." He didn't say that he wanted it to or that he had disliked it, but simply that he had accepted it and was of general agreement with other members at the time in believing that it would never go away. And it doesn't seem to bother him at all now. He just doesn't have any reason to consider the real hurt and pain that it caused many people. Anyway, my Mom's response made me laugh. She said, " I don't know, back then I only went to church because my parents made me." So she never thought about it at the time, and is apparently at peace with it now. It was interesting to hear their thoughts about it.

In other news, I graduate in a month. August 7th will be my last day of class ever in college (unless I end up getting an MBA or something) and my whole family will be down the following week to vacation and celebrate graduation on the 15th. It should be lots of fun! I don't really know whether to be sad or glad that I won't be a BYU student any longer though. It ends a chapter in my life, but a chapter that was both good and bad. BYU provided a quality education for a fantastic price. And the people are generally very kind and caring. They might not relate to my situation very well, but they're still good people in general. During the times that I really tried to be outgoing, I found lots of friends and an uplifting environment. I feel like I have only myself to blame for the times that I was isolated or depressed.

Also, I had a good conversation with my Mom the other day about gay marriage. It was a very casual conversation and she agreed with me much more than she disagreed. I think she might even support gay marriage now, although she didn't directly say so. As a side note, my Mom and I get along really well. Our relationship seemed strained after I first came out, but now it feels much more natural. I'm not sure if she's just avoiding confrontation or what not, but we never really argue about anything. All of our conversations seem fairly agreeable and uplifting.

Well anyway, I'll quit rambling. I still haven't firmed up my plans for after I graduate, and I still have two options to choose from, but I'll let you know when it happens. One thing is certain: I won't be living in Provo anymore. But I could still be fairly close in Salt Lake. So we'll see.

Revelatory Celebration

2008-06-07T17:47:00.002-06:00

When I first heard about the planned celebration this weekend for the anniversary of the 1978 priesthood revelation I was excited. I was excited that the church is recognizing and celebrating a wonderful moment in its history. But my excitement was soon replaced with mixed feelings as I reflected on the racism and gross injustices which have been such an unfortunate part of American (and church) history.

There is so much that I don't understand about the history of racism. I can't really imagine what it would be like to feel better than someone else because of the color of my skin. I come from a generation that is much more open and accepting of diversity, but I still can't understand the justifications of the past. Those of my generation laugh when told that blacks were once (not that long ago) forced to drink at a separate drinking fountain than whites. But it is no laughing matter. These things may seem silly at first, but they were not generally considered wrong in generations before me.

I can't possibly comprehend how people could be given 3/5 of a vote because of their skin color, or how they could be excluded from mainstream society and discriminated against in every possible way. It disgusts me to think about! And that discomfort widens when I consider the fact that the church also withheld rights and privileges from blacks, even long after they had won concessions from nearly every other private and public institution. So now, 30 years later and with no explanation for the ban, we host a celebration? We don't celebrate the many other revelations in the church's long history, so why this one? Are we tacitly admitting wrongdoing or apologizing?

I have a difficult time envisioning my parents sitting back and accepting the priesthood ban. Yet I know that they did. (They were married in the temple for eternity before a black man and a black woman even could.) I can't fathom that they might have voted for anti-misogyny laws or casually made racist remarks. Yet I would be afraid to ask them about it for fear of the answer. I know none of us would like to think that we would have been racist if we were part of those earlier generations - but when you stop and think about it, are you really sure you wouldn't have been? Would you have gone against the grain and been part of the minority that championed equal rights? Would you have stood up to those around you who made racist and insensitive comments? Or would you have joined them in an effort to blend in?

If I ever make an error in my lifetime, I want it to be on the side of giving people too many rights. I would rather have judged too little than too much. I want my children to look back and know that I supported things like gay marriage long before they were the societal norm - and that I embraced new ideas and supported equal rights rather than grasping on to tradition and prejudice. If I was alive in 1977 I would not have used the church's ban on the priesthood to blacks as justification for any law that withheld equal rights for black people. Similarly, I refuse to use the church's current ban on things like gay marriage as justification for supporting any law that withholds equal rights to all people. This is something that I feel very strongly about.

My Support for Gay Marriage

2008-05-23T12:19:00.000-06:00

Two years ago I wrote a letter to my senator urging her to vote for the federal constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. It was an argument that I made out of duty and not out of conscience. I felt like I was doing the right thing, even though deep down I was very unsettled about the issue. After numerous more experiences in life and a lot of prayer and soul-searching, I can now say firmly that I support full marriage equality without reservation.

As members of the church we are taught in no uncertain terms that homosexual behavior is an abomination in God's eyes and that only marriage between a man and a woman fulfills God's eternal plan for His children. I am in no position to challenge God's definition of marriage as revealed through His prophets, and I support the church's ability to promote that definition as well as to limit its own recognition of such relationships. Let me state very clearly that I am not advocating for the church to change its beliefs or practices to allow gay marriage.

My support for same-sex marriage is both a practical and a moral issue. I know from my own experience that same-sex attractions are neither chosen nor learned. And I further recognize that because all human beings have a desire for love and companionship they will seek out relationships in which to raise children and establish families. I cannot in good conscience deny support for the responsibilities and protections that legal marriage grants to these families. To withhold from thousands of innocent children all the same protections and benefits as their peers is to start down a slippery slope.

Ultimately, my faith in God propels me to support same-sex marriage. As far as I know, the great commandment to "love one another" has never been qualified (and you don't have to 'love the sin' of the parents to love the children in these families who deserve legal safeguards). I also don't think America has ever been served well when the beliefs of one group have been imposed on another, no matter how much of a majority they constituted. Indeed, the 11th article of faith teaches us to allow others to worship "how, where, or what they may." Just because I believe something is wrong doesn't mean that I should prohibit other people from exercising their belief to the contrary. Members of the church should understand this concept better than most.

Many people have tried to reconcile their beliefs and their love for humanity by supporting civil unions - which grant all the rights of marriage to same-sex couples but stop short of recognizing the relationship in the same way. In essence, they have proposed creating a unique institution which can confer legal status but still provide a separation from more traditional unions. While I commend these people for taking a step in the right direction and following their conscience, I find it unfortunate that our generation might still believe that 'separate but equal' is an appropriate or productive way to deal with diversity.

I realize this is a very divisive and sensitive issue. I have had lively discussions with many MoHo's who have very different opinions on this. And I truly respect their beliefs and know that they are only trying to do what they feel is right. They have their own unique experiences within which to frame their opinions. I know this is not an easy topic for anyone, and fully understand that people are only trying to act consistent with their sincere feelings. I would just encourage all of my friends to have an open mind as they think through this issue carefully.

I Was Right!!

2008-04-05T11:20:00.000-06:00

Wow, my first runner-up choice for new apostle was totally right! (Cecil was obviously sort of a fun pick, so I'd like to think that I got it completely right... :))

Anyway, I like Elder Christofferson, so I'm happy.

Conference Predictions

2008-04-04T15:11:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow will be pretty much the first time I've experienced a solemn assembly that I remember. I was 11 the last time (when President Hinckley was sustained) and so I don't remember it much. In fact, I may not have even watched the opening session (I never watched all of them back then). So it will be interesting to see how it is done different from normal sustaining.

And can I just say that I'm really happy with the new first presidency? I know they're all inspired, but I think the group we have now are particularly open to new ideas and sensitive to issues that affect us. Imagine if Pres. Packer had been in there! It is interesting to note that even though he is next in line for prophet, he is not and has never been in the First Presidency. I think there might be a reason for that (not that he's not worthy, just maybe not as compassionate as a First Presidency member ought to be?).

Anyway, here are my predictions for the new member of the Twelve:
Top Choice: Cecil O. Samuelson Jr.
Runner-up 1: D. Todd Christofferson
Runner-up 2: Richard C. Edgely

I also predict the following will be mentioned:
"Gender Orientation," 1 time
SSA, 2 times
Pornography, 12 times
"President Monson is a prophet," 17 times
Marriage, 27 times,
Repentance, 33 times
Love, 54 times

Answers

2008-03-28T11:50:00.002-06:00

There are a lot more questions in life than answers. And it seems that for every answer you get there are a few more questions! If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that you can't get all of them. I need to be okay with not knowing some things. At the same time, there has to be a balance in life between what you know and what you don't know. There has to be an optimal amount of knowing - for me it is probably more than I know now but definitely less than everything.

The times that I get most frustrated are not when I'm exploring the deepest and most hypothetical points of life or the gospel, but when I'm investigating some of the fairly basic truths and their natural implications. One that has recently bothered me: Would a loving and just Heavenly Father really base our eternal condition on such a relatively brief test as our mortal life, especially when we have such imperfect information? I mean, is there really no second chances - this is it, our one shot? Usually in life God makes you endure a period of repentance and then gives you another chance, but is this not the pattern for eternity?

I won't spend too much time talking about the questions I have, but I like to talk about some of them at least every now and then. The thing is, when I talk to my friends about these things, I get varying answers. Everyone has their own opinion and understanding. Sometimes the answers are even condescending and remind me of how intolerant and closed-minded some people can be (a reason why many members go inactive or leave the church entirely, unfortunately). So I also take my questions to God in prayer.

He never talks down to me or mocks my honest concerns. Unfortunately, He usually never talks to me at all. I don't know if it's because I'm not worthy (admittedly, there's lots more I could do to be better) but it is still fairly disconcerting. I just wish it were a little more clear how I'm supposed to get the answers I'm seeking. And if I don't, how many times do I need to pray before I can just make a decision on my own (and not be held accountable if I make the wrong choice)? I need answers. And I need to know that they're real - not just something I've fabricated because it's what I want.

A New Phase

2008-03-07T12:34:00.001-07:00

Life isn't supposed to be static.

Unfortunately for me, though, my actions often indicate that I would like it to be. I have spent the last 2 years of my life waffling back and forth about a decision that I never really had to make. I thought that somehow I would be able to find the 'right' answer and then live happily ever after. That never happened.

Sometime around the middle of November I realized that much of my dilemma was artificial and that I was being unfairly influenced by forces on one side of the spectrum. Most of the deep conversations about life that I had at the time were not actually conversations at all, but one-sided arguments presented under the banner of truth. Almost all MoHo blogs seemed to say one of two things: "I'm sticking with the church and life sucks; I'm miserable and depressed." or "The church isn't true! I love gay sex! Life is good! I'm so happy!" I've obviously taken a little license with those statements, but I think you get the point.

All of the back-and-forth was affecting me negatively, so I decided to stop. I quit writing and I quit reading -and it was one of the best gaycations of my life! But now I'm back. I think I can contribute to some discussions and I have a lot of friends that I want to communicate with. Blogging provides me an extra outlet and a means to getting feedback that I don't always have. My life and future are still very murky, but I know that I don't have to figure everything out all at once. Life isn't nearly as black and white as some people would like it to be.

I won't be a BYU student forever, I won't always be in Provo, and the only thing I can count on in life is change. This year will bring a lot of that, and I'm excited to see where life takes me. But for now I'm content to sort through all the shades of grey as I enter this new phase of my life.

Coming Out, 6 Months Later

2007-11-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like just yesterday I was sitting and nervously fidgeting with my cell phone in my hand, scared for the phone call I was about to make. As I sat there shaking, I wondered how my life would change once my family knew about my sexuality. I had been preparing for the day for weeks, and had even written a long letter which I was to send to them shortly afterwards. Then it happened, I broke the news, they sat on it for a week or so, then we talked.

It was just a couple months later that I would be living again with my parents over the summer and seeing them all the time. But by then they had plenty of time to mull over the implications of the news. And after all of it, I'd have to say it was well worth it. My relationship with my parents has never been better, I feel like myself again, and I have some extra support and people to talk to when things get rough.

Last Christmas was miserable. Nearly every member of my family independently commented on my behavior. I wasn't myself. I was isolated, angry, and just different. They all noticed and were concerned, but none of them could figure out why I had changed so much and what was bothering me. This Christmas will be very different. They all know, and they are accepting, loving, and understanding. They don't pester me about marriage anymore - they're content to give me my space and let me figure things out. I love them for it, too. I feel like I can be myself, that I can talk about anything in my life openly. I am just so glad that I did it. It has been an interesting experience, and difficult at times - but well worth it. My greatest discovery was that those who love you will always love you, no matter what.

Hypocrisy

2007-11-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

No one likes hypocrisy. And no one likes a hypocrite. Unfortunately, I've heard those words thrown around numerous times recently, and often in a way that seems to have only one motive: incitement. It has been used to describe those who have tried gay things and then later warned against them after learning from their mistakes. Conversely, it could also be used to describe those who once preached against gay things and then later tried them. But that's not the point. The point is that the label 'hypocrite' is used inaccurately when it describes someone who has repented and then afterwards tries to teach others from his or her experiences. Otherwise we would have to call Alma the younger, Paul, and the sons of Mosiah hypocrites.

The correct and accurate use of the term is to describe someone who does one thing and says another - simultaneously. And that's the thing: chronology is important here. Repentance allows those who have sinned to later preach against the sin provided they do not continue in it. The basic message of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that people can change from sin. Past mistakes do not make people hypocrites. In order for someone to be a hypocrite, the person must be simultaneously doing something different from what they are preaching.

The other use of the term has nothing to do with actions, but merely beliefs. If someone believes something different from what they profess, that is hypocrisy. For instance, if someone says that they don't believe the church is true - or that they think same-sex relationships are okay, but actually do believe in the church, that's hypocrisy. And there's probably a lot of that around these parts. Regardless, we probably don't have sufficient information to point the finger at any person in particular, so let's be careful in our word choice.

Promiscuousphere

2007-11-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

There has been some debate around these parts about the evolving blogworld recently. I've been wanting to say some things for about a week now, but several midterms and some sick time have kept me away. I'll try to articulate some of the things I've been feeling now.

First of all, I have noticed a change in the blogworld as well. It is a very different place now than it was a year ago. I can only think of one word to describe the change: entropy. I have noticed a gradual digression from the truths and values most of us once celebrated much more openly. Where it once was a place for association and fellowship it has become a destination for hookups and experimentation.

When sexually repressed gay Mormons initially decide to talk about an issue so central to them as this one, it can be a liberating experience. The idea of meeting and talking in person with others in the same situation is exhilarating. Those feelings of freedom and acceptance and openness are far too easily translated into a desire to experiment with other MoHos. And it very often leads to hookups, which may or may not include sex but nevertheless cross the boundaries of appropriate behavior (as defined by God, not me).

I am not immune. I publish this at the risk of being called a hypocrite. I am fully aware of my own mistakes and shortcomings! This is how I know full well and can recognize the ease by which we are bound with a flaxen cord and led carefully down to Hell. Satan knows he probably can't take an active believing Latter-day Saint and get them to leave the church for a gay lifestyle in one day - but if he can get them to slowly question their beliefs and experiment in small ways, eventually he can get them to confuse love with lust, pleasure with purpose, and happiness with joy. Eventually, he can get them to fall.

I don't mean to be offensive. I realize that in this new environment anything that can be construed as a "call to repentance" is viciously attacked and criticized. So let me make it clear that I'm not calling anyone to repentance. I'm only lamenting the current state of the blogworld and the permissiveness that has crept into it. It is not an isolated incident that I am referring to either. I am hard pressed to find any MoHos that I know that haven't participated in the sort of experimentation I've referred to. In fact, you might be quite surprised if you knew some of the things that are going on.

NCMO

2007-11-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

This will be the first time I publicly acknowledge on my blog that I've kissed other guys. Way back in March I talked about having virgin lips, but that changed sometime between then and now - and I won't elaborate much more on that, as that's not the point of this post. But I do want to discuss some of my general feelings about the infamous activity described as a "Non-Committal Make-Out."

First of all, kissing is fun. Really fun. I think it is, for the most part, a healthy activity which is as stress-relieving as it is exciting. It can be fairly harmless (and one might argue sinless). And anytime intimacy is shared, it has the potential to spark long-lasting relationships. But what about when it is two guys? That potential turns into a destructive one that can lead people away from the church. Too often we MoHo's think NCMO stands for "Non-Consequential Make-Out." General authorities, however, have long taught that while we can choose our actions, we cannot choose the consequences. I wasn't quite expecting all the consequences that I found. Among them I've found that if you kiss another guy:

1) You will probably like it. A lot. If you've ever kissed members of the opposite sex or tried such relationships, you will find the gay kissing is a thousand times more fulfilling.

2) You will want more. Realizing how much you liked the kiss, your mind will wander and you will find that some things you said you would never do are much more tempting than they were before. In far too many cases, an 'innocent' NCMO session turns into a worthiness question.

3) You can't go back with that person. It may make things awkward in the future and make a friendship with the person difficult. Many times it ends with one of the people involved becoming overly invested in the 'relationship' and being heartbroken when it doesn't progress. This leads to broken friendships. Not always, but oftentimes.

4) You can't go back to gay lip virginity. This is obvious, but can be devastating, because once you know how good it is, it will make a straight relationship that much harder in the future. Oftentimes it leads to further despair about the possibility of marriage.

5) You will feel fulfilled. If straight dating and/or marriage is something you are working towards, this will not help you in your quest. Not only will you find yourself fulfilled and have a decreased desire to pursue other relationships, but it may be a difficult thing for your future spouse to accept.

This list is in no way comprehensive. I've just highlighted a few of the things I've noticed. The problem , for me, is that despite knowing the negative consequences I still want it. I can't decide firmly where I stand on the issue. And so I'm not in a position to say it's right or wrong for anyone else, just that it is risky. And that it has consequences.

A Dumbledore Rant

2007-10-29T16:28:00.000-06:00

For those of you who might have missed it, Dumbledore recently came out of the closet. Yes, despite his position as a role model for millions of children he has chosen this sick and abominable lifestyle. And parents, who are rightly worried that his status as a most powerful wizard may persuade their son or daughter to also choose the gay lifestyle, are already calling for boycotts and banning. Let me add a thought or two here:

Dumbledore is not real! He's a fictional character invented by a creative and clever mind. J.K. Rowling has spent years and who knows how many countless hours creating these characters and the intricate world they live in. It should not surprise anyone that out of the dozens of characters in the series, one or more of them is gay. This is a natural phenomenon. It should also not be surprising that since the books are aimed at children, there is no internal discussion of the character's sexuality - no graphic depictions of gay sex or even mention of the love lives of any of the adult characters. In fact, all but the carefullest of observers had little or no suspicion about Dumbledore. It would seem that, for the most part, Dumbledore chose the celibate route - except perhaps one love interest that is only briefly mentioned in the books.

Yet despite all this, the very fact that he is gay is enough for a conservative, narrow-minded, and uninformed student at BYU to say, "These are books I grew up with and want to read to my kids someday. Now I'm not sure if I want to. Dumbledore was such a role model ... this puts him in a different light for me" (Merrick White, junior from Las Vegas, qtd. from The Daily Universe). Is she serious? Despite the fact that there are no references to Dumbledore's sexuality in the book itself, the very fact that Dumbledore experiences same-sex attraction is enough that she won't read the books to her kids!? At some point she's going to have to move past her Zionistic ideals and teach her children that there are lots of people in the world and we need to be tolerant of individual differences. I feel sorry for those poor sheltered children.

If reading that wasn't enough to make my blood boil another student, Christopher Lee, wrote an editorial about Dumbledore and decried J.K. Rowling's "argument for gay rights." Of course, he doesn't want to be called a bigot for not "accept[ing] people's choice to be gay." He's just afraid that in due time "pedophiles and heroin addicts [will be] the lovable heroes of sitcoms" and society will fall to pieces as soon as we "celebrate and encourage [those that choose to be gay]". I could go on and say a lot of things about Mr. Lee's unjustified intolerance and disturbing ignorance, but I'll just let you read the article. I think it speaks for itself. Besides, I don't want to be accused of libel. (His picture is provided to the right.)

Love Languages

2007-10-26T16:24:00.000-06:00

At the suggestion from a friend, I decided to investigate the five love languages and try to determine which one was mine. I had always joked that praise ("words of affirmation") was my love language, but after a closer look, I can't decide between three of them! So I realized 1) there are lots of ways to get to my heart, or 2) I am just really needy.

For those who might be as uncultured as I was a week ago, the five love languages are:
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Receiving Gifts
4) Acts of Service
5) Physical Touch

Yes, I was surprised that food was not on there as well. :) In all seriousness though, my last post would suggest that quality time is my love language. And that's definitely one of the three, but I think praise and physical touch are also equally as meaningful to me. I don't even know if I can rank between them! I love them all at the right times. The only two that I can definitely say are not my love languages are receiving gifts and acts of service. For one, I'm frugal (read:cheap), and it just pains me to see other people spend money on me. If I didn't buy it myself, then obviously the cost was not equal to the perceived benefit in my mind, so it's not worth getting! (There are some minor holes in that economic theory, so gifts aren't entirely useless, but you get the picture.) And secondly, acts of service just don't really do it for me. I like people to do service, just not for me. I'm generally a very independent person and so I like to do things myself. (Unless I'm depressed or something, in which case I need lots of physical touch and quality time, and I guess you could call that an act service.) But I don't want to be someone's "project" that they're working on.

Anyway, I haven't read the book, so my understanding of these love languages and how they work is pretty shallow. Maybe you could shed some insight into it. And I'd be curious to know what some of your love languages are...

Friendship

2007-10-22T11:29:00.000-06:00

I love people. I really do. I love hanging out and having fun. I enjoy the company of others. I want to have lots of friends - and not just superficial ones, but good friends who I can get to know on many levels. I love making friends, and that feeling of a blossoming friendship. Most of my satisfaction and happiness in life is derived from my relationships with friends and family and from the time I spend with them. They are far more valuable to me than school, work, a future career, any project I'm working on, how well I'm dressed, or anything else in life! And any activity I'm doing while spending time with them is relatively inconsequential to the fact that I just love being there, with them.

The converse is painfully just as true: I hate being alone. I can't stand sitting around by myself when I have spare time that I could be spending with people I care about. I hate feeling like I don't have many close friends. Of all the feelings that hurt though, most of all, I hate losing friends.

I hate getting close to someone, and then having to pull away. I can't stand feeling like a friendship is fading and wilting away - and that there's nothing I can do about it. I cry when I think about the people that I've opened up to and shared so much of myself with and then, for whatever reason, I've had to pull away from. I can't stand knowing that I've hurt someone. Knowing that my very existence in their life has become a hindrance to their progress. Knowing that no matter how much I love and care about them, I can't make them happy anymore. I hate realizing that for whatever reason I am no longer a source of joy in their life - and that any time I spend with them is likely to make them depressed and unhappy.

I wonder what I did wrong! How did I lose something so valuable to me!? How come my love isn't good enough? Why can't I convey it effectively? I didn't mean for it to turn out this way. If I have ever hurt or offended you, I'm sorry. Please know that I never intended for this to happen. Please know that I still love you! And that I'm still here.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
-The Fray

New Members

2007-10-15T14:30:00.000-06:00

I have noticed a few new members of the blog world lately. It's nice to hear from new people with their varying perspectives and ideas. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to one very cool new member of the group that I met recently.

His name is Draco and his blog is called Gay Mormon Philosophy. For those of you who haven't discovered his blog yet I highly encourage you to read it. He's a returned missionary here at BYU, but was raised in a non-LDS home and joined the church at 19 (despite having already come out in high school). He brings a unique perspective and a lot of really interesting ideas/insights.

In other news, I've been really busy the last couple weeks and so I apologize for the sparse posting. I'll try get some of my drafts turned into actual posts sometime soon...

One Year Ago Today

2007-10-08T13:03:00.000-06:00

Wow! As of 11:28Pm tonight, it will be one year since I started blogging! That means it's been exactly a year since I decided to finally talk about my homosexuality with someone other than myself. A whole year since I decided to reach out and get help... and I'm so glad I did!

When I wrote that first post, I was scared. I had never talked to a single person in my life about being gay. I had just come out to myself a few months prior. And I was scared to death that one of my roommates would find me blogging or somehow discover that it was me. About a week after that first post I came really close to deleting my blog, because of the fear of people finding out.

Since then I've written over 60 posts, met dozens of amazing people who have helped me in untold ways, and come out to my immediate family. Wow! It's amazing, really. I feel so good about where I am in my life right now. It almost makes me want to cry thinking about it all! I'm so much more mentally healthy and stable than a year ago. Back then all I could think about was how messed up and abnormal I was - how bad of a person I was on the inside for being gay. I beat myself up a lot for it. Those were dark times. I'm sure there was inspiration somewhere along the way that lead to me starting this blog and meeting all the wonderful people I have!

As a side note, this also marks the second time I have ever posted twice in the same day. I was going to say the first, but then I remembered that crazy day when I came out to my parents.

Getting Stuff Done

2007-10-08T11:44:00.000-06:00

So I usually post on Mondays and Fridays, but I took a vacation last week. Sorry about that, I was so ridiculously busy with school that I lost sleep and got sick despite cutting out things like blogging and hanging out with friends. But I finally finished it all on Saturday and was able to relax a little over the weekend.

Conference was wonderful. I'm glad President Eyring got called into the First Presidency, cause I like him. I really was hoping it would be Elder Holland (he's my favorite), but as long as it wasn't Pres. Packer I guess I was going to be happy no matter what. And I was glad to see that Pres. Eyring got a welcome to his new responsibilities by getting thrown into the gay debate! Seriously though, what is this world coming to when the first question asked of a new leader is his opinion on same-sex marriage? Freaking homosexuals!

And speaking of homosexuals, I got to hang out with some of the most amazing people ever on Saturday and Sunday! Salad and Drex hosted a sleepover, and we had a ton of fun. At any other university, a gathering of this many attractive gay people would likely have turned into a drunken sex orgy, but not this group. Nope, instead of lasciviousness we watched Duck Tales and General Conference. It was pretty much amazing... I love gay Mormons! And there were a bunch of family friendlies there too, whom I love equally as much!

I'm so glad that I have such wonderful friends who allow me to let go of some of that stress that builds up and blow off some steam every now and then. You guys are amazing! I don't know what I ever did to deserve all of your friendship... maybe I don't. Thanks for the love and support anyway. I just want you all to know how much I appreciate it and that you've changed my life.

Huzzah for Depression!

2007-09-28T15:33:00.000-06:00

"For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things."

A friend commented to me yesterday about how he is starting to feel depressed. I wasn't sure what to say to him, because I had been feeling so much the same way in my life lately. I'm sure my ups and downs of the last couple weeks haven't been obvious to anyone following my blog, with the series of posts about suicide and all.

Anyway, I told another friend today that I wish I just didn't have the capacity to feel. That way I'd never have these gut-wrenching feelings of despair, loneliness, sadness, hurt, and pain. Sometimes they come on so strong that it's all I can do to stop from checking plane tickets to Boston. I told this friend that I feel like I always end up screwing up other people's lives, and that I probably would never get married. To that she replied, "I can totally see you getting married. Don't you ever think you don't deserve that. You're amazing and any girl would be lucky to have you as a husband."

That really cheered me up. Sometimes a kind word, even just a 'hello,' can make my day. And I realized that I really am glad for the depression I sometimes go in and out of. Because without it I would not be able to enjoy the good in life. I'd never experience the happiness, love, friendship, kindness, and joy that so often surrounds me. If I didn't have these horrible moments to contrast them with, the good ones would not be very spectacular. Thank goodness for depression!

Aunt Abbey

2007-09-24T11:45:00.000-06:00

My Mom's sister.

My grandparents had 5 children. One daughter died at age 5, and they were left with 2 girls and 2 boys. My Mom and her sister, my Aunt Abbey, were good friends. They spent time together and were rebellious together (as might be expected of those raised in the 70's). Their relationship hit a roadblock though when Aunt Abbey was 23 and my Mom was still a teenager. As they were driving around one day, Aunt Abbey turned to my Mom and said, "Do Mom and Dad think it's weird that I'm not married yet?"

"Yeah, they probably think you're gay!" My Mom quipped sarcastically.

"Well, I am." Aunt Abbey responded quietly.

That was a defining moment for both of them. It signaled a change in their relationship. Their lives took very different courses from there. My Mom went on and married my Dad a year or so later. Aunt Abbey entered a committed lesbian relationship.

The family never talked about Aunt Abbey very much. My grandparents visited her infrequently, and they never addressed the issue of her sexuality. They pretended it didn't exist. When the family got together she would be invited, but not her partner. That was just the way they dealt with it. They swept it under the rug. Her lifestyle was obviously deviant, and she was a second-class family member because of it.

Aunt Abbey dealt with her life the best she could. She tried to do what she felt was right, but neither her religion, society, nor her family ever approved. She was loyal to her partner for over 20 years. Then about 10 years ago she found out her partner was cheating on her. She commit suicide. I still remember the day my uncle called my Mom and told her. My Mom was sobbing and throwing up for several hours. But it wasn't as hard on me - after all, I didn't even know her that well. We had only visited her a few times in my life, despite the fact that she lived only an hour or so away.

There was no funeral. There was no ceremony. Her body was cremated and only my grandparents, Mom, and uncle went to pick up her urn and hold a brief prayer to eulogize her. Not much has been spoken of her since. It hurts to even think about it sometimes, because I know her experience is not unique in the gay Mormon world. Her story scares me to death, because I see it as my fate should I ever choose to go down a path similar to hers.

I Stand Corrected

2007-09-21T17:11:00.000-06:00

Gimple commented on my last post about the suicide=Telestial Kingdom doctrine. I have always been taught this, and assumed it was true. But with a little bit of research I have discovered that it is purely Mormon folklore. There are no statements in the scriptures or from the First Presidency that would indicate that suicide is not forgivable. I guess I had always been taught that suicide is just murder - and murderers go to Hell.

However, those who commit suicide are probably never in their right mind. They cannot be judged for the lapse in judgment or sanity, if that is the case. God is the perfect judge, and he will take all things into account. It is not our right to consign those who have committed this desperate final act of depression to an eternity of torment.

And so, I stand corrected. There are many many people who have commit suicide or attempted to do so. God will judge them based on His perfect knowledge and infinite mercy. Suicide is a forgivable sin - it just doesn't make sense that the difference between it being forgivable and unforgivable is whether or not the person was successful.

The Boston Plan

2007-09-17T12:37:00.000-06:00

My thoughts on suicide.

The last year of my life has given me plenty of opportunity to ponder ending it. There are just so many times that I am conflicted, frustrated, angry, and hurt. I get confused with life, mad at God, and filled with despair. It's times like these that I wish I wasn't alive. I wish I wouldn't have to feel all of the pain. And it's at these times that I just wish I didn't exist.

I decided quite a while back that I would never actually be able to kill myself. I just don't have the guts. So I often wished I would just get hit by a bus crossing the street or die some other random way - that way I could be dead but I didn't have to actually kill myself. Such would also be a lot easier on my family and friends. I don't want them to have to realize that I hated life bad enough to actually kill myself, and that they weren't there for me when I needed them.

As I have progressed and learn more about myself and life, my thoughts on the subject have changed again. I no longer want to die - not by suicide or accidentally. I would much rather just start over, try something new. And that's where the Boston plan comes in.

If I ever get to that point where I am really ready to kill myself; where I have exhausted every other possibility and just can't do it anymore, I will enact my Boston Plan: I'll pick up everything and move to Boston. I'll just leave it all behind. My family, friends, job, school, everything. I would start a totally new life - completely reinvent myself. Find a guy to get married to, and live out a different dream. This way instead of ending my life I get a new chance at it. And it makes sense from a gospel perspective: If I were to commit suicide I would be consigned to the Telestial kingdom anyway, so there's nothing I could do in my new life that would make me any worse off! If I ever really get to that point, this seems like the healthy alternative to suicide. And so it's there, in the back of my mind, the Boston plan.

Proper Perspective

2007-09-12T10:53:00.000-06:00

Being a gay Mormon comes with all sorts of mental turmoil. There just aren't any easy answers or "one-size-fits-all" solutions to the questions and problems we face. Sometimes it feels like life just sucks. There is no way I'll ever be truly happy. And other times it seems like life is wonderful, and that nothing could ever make me unhappy. I guess it just comes back to perspective, the old glass half full/empty thing.

I mean, my life really is just destined to suck no matter what, right? If I choose celibacy, well then that just sucks, no explanation needed. If I choose to marry a woman, I will never get to experience that really intimate connection with a man, what some might argue to be the fullest form of love. If I choose a gay lifestyle then I can't maintain my membership in the church and that hope in exaltation. So no matter what I do with my life, the glass will always be half empty.

Or I guess I could look at it the other way. If I choose celibacy then I don't have to worry about dating, marriage, all that relationship stuff, or the expenses of raising a family. I'll likely be well off and have lots of time to play and do things that I enjoy. I could even go on lots of vacations and travel and stuff. If I choose to marry a woman, then I get to have children that are all biologically mine, plus I get to maintain the status quo with my family, friends, and the church. I can continue to work towards exaltation. If I choose a gay lifestyle then I get to have uninhibited passion-filled sex with someone I'm really attracted to and can enjoy mostly all that this life has to offer. I can still raise children and avoid being lonely or feeling unfulfilled (in a gay way) in life. So no matter what I do with my life, the glass will always be half full.

So I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately. It doesn't seem to really matter what I end up choosing, because my life is pretty much destined to be both good and bad. The glass may never be totally full, but it will never be completely empty either. My glass is just destined to be filled somewhere around the halfway point, no matter what I do with my life.

Marriage to a Woman

2007-09-07T11:46:00.000-06:00

A little while back I posted on what it would mean for me to marry a man. I posted it because I know what it would look like for me. I wasn't so sure about exactly what it would mean for me to marry a woman though. This has changed as I have given it a lot more thought since deciding to start dating a month ago. After some interesting conversations with good friends, and a lot of thought, I think I'm starting to finally see the picture of what a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM) would look like for me.

First, it would be based in full disclosure. If not from the very beginning, at least early on in the relationship. Long before engagement. We would have to both be very open and honest about our issues, and our relationship. Without frankness and understanding I don't think the relationship would be able to last - so I would want to make sure she is as comfortable as me talking about homosexuality, attraction, depression, frustrations, and anything in life. If we can't talk about it when we're dating, how are we going to talk about it when we're married? And what if we find out we can't (talk about it effectively then)?

Second, there would have to be a deep emotional and spiritual attraction. This goes for her as well as me. Our love doesn't have to be based on physical attraction, but it should be just as real and strong. I sincerely believe that if we really like the other person for who they are, we can make it through the challenges. In fact, it seems to me that our relationship would have a certain advantage due to the fact that it's not based as much on the physical aspect (which deteriorates with time anyway). I mean, if you love and marry someone despite not being physically attracted to them, it won't be hard to stick with them 15 years down the road when you wake up one morning and realize that, well, you're not physically attracted to them.

Third, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. If she doesn't love God more than I do, I'm going to keep looking. My main reason for wanting a MOM over a gay relationship is that I sincerely believe it's what God wants me to do. That's not the only reason, but it is the biggest one. If our faith falters, our relationship might, too. That's why her testimony and devotion to the church is so important. She needs to be able to strengthen me when I am weak, in the same way I hope to bolster her when she might be down. We need to both be very committed to the church for our relationship to work.

These are the elements I see as most important for me in marrying a woman. There are lots of personality traits and other things I am looking for, but these seem to be the most important: good communication, emotional and spiritual attraction, and abiding faith.

Finding Happiness

2007-09-04T22:31:00.001-06:00

I haven't been very good about posting much lately. The truth is that I've been really busy. I have tons of things I've wanted to blog about, but just never got around to it. So I'll start today by giving an update about how my life is going.

Since moving back to Provo a week and a half ago I've been having an amazing time! I love this place so much (even though I never thought I'd say that)! I've been hanging out with some of the best people I know non-stop and having so much fun. We've watched lots of movies, been 80's dancing, done lots of cuddling, and partying in general. There are so many amazing people around this place. I'm so lucky to have such great friends. And I always feel so comfortable and open around them.

Anyway, everything has just been going my way lately. I still have ups and downs at times - and struggle with uncertainties. But I'm much more happy overall and content with the life I have. I'm at peace with the decisions I've made and feel like I'm heading in a good direction. Life just seems to be working out, better than I ever thought it could a year ago. I hope this continues to last.

I'm Still Here

2007-08-21T13:50:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the brief blogging break. It wasn't really intentional, I wanted to post occasionally, but just wasn't sure exactly what to say. My last post was so upbeat and happy that I didn't want to ruin it with another depressing post.

But I'll openly confess that I was on an emotional/spiritual high when I wrote that last post, and not everything has been roses since then. Life still goes up and down everyday - just like it always has, and I suppose as it always will. I'm still holding on to the goals and dreams I hinted at in that post, but it hasn't come without some deep questioning and continued soul-searching. At times I still get frustrated and fed-up with life. Sometimes I just want to cry and whine and feel sorry for myself. And I usually do.

I am so glad that I'll be back in Provo in a few days. I haven't told very many people about how it's been back at home (since my vacation), but it's been hell. It was good for a few days, but then things started going wrong again. For one, my Dad lost his job (and by default my Mom too). I feel so bad for him, because this has been happening his whole life - and he doesn't deserve it.

I don't want this to be too depressing. So let me just end by saying that I really appreciate the support I've gotten from good friends that have been there for me - most when they didn't even know it. I feel so blessed to have amazing friends who are understanding, loving, and fun. I don't know where I'd be without you all.

Leaving

2007-08-02T11:24:00.000-06:00

I had an amazing vacation in Provo! I got to meet tons of awesome new people, and also spend lots of time with many friends. It was just what I needed at just the right time for me. Thank you guys so much, you're all amazing! (And everyone else who reads this blog, I'm sure you're cool too, I just haven't met you...) Leaving Provo was so hard! I know I'll be back in a month, but it was still really difficult and emotional.

My last night there, Tuesday, I asked for a blessing. Gimple and Drex gave me the blessing and Salad wrote it down for me. I am so grateful for them and their willingness to help me. I felt the spirit stronger than I have in a long time. In the blessing I was given everything I needed. I was blessed with faith and courage to accomplish my recent goals and move forward with my new choices - all of which were confirmed in the same instant. It was incredible.

And thus leaving Provo had much deeper connotations. I was actually leaving a lot more behind. I was symbolically leaving behind past fantasies of a gay lifestyle. I left behind the idea of dating guys, and of seeking fulfillment in a gay relationship. I left my doubts and fears about eternal marriage behind, trying to replace them with faith and hope. I feel really good about life, and about where I'm heading. I finally have some direction. I found everything that I had been lacking when I so desperately escaped to Provo. I now have goals and ambition. I have peace.

Confronting Life

2007-07-30T11:53:00.001-06:00

Provo has been a good experience. At the same time it's been extremely difficult. It's been up and down the whole time. I go to mood extremes back and forth everyday (yes, sounds very bi-polar, I know). But I've made some good decisions, albeit some of the most difficult I've ever made, that will probably impact the rest of my life.

I haven't found all of the answers. Life's harder than ever. But somewhere deep down I'm happier. More content with who and what I am. More satisfied with where I'm going and how I'm getting there. I've gained much needed perspective and strength where I was lacking before.

Saturday I cried. I cried more than I have in a really really long time. I hung out with ATP, and Danish Boy, and Gimple, and others that night - but I was struggling so much deep down - thinking about my life and finally facing some of it's realities got me really emotional. I held back bursting out in tears that whole night, finally asking Gimple to take me home early because I couldn't hold back any longer. After getting in the car I just broke down. I couldn't stop from crying for almost an hour. It hurt inside, I felt empty and broken; the hollowness inside causing the rest of me to collapse inward.

From it all something wonderful happened. I had an amazing day at church Sunday and received some much needed love. I had a good discussion where I was finally able to articulate some of my feelings that had been eating away at me for a while now. When it was all done I felt good. My life had direction and purpose, at least for a time. Then today the realities of my choices started to sink in, and I am so scared. I'm scared for the future and how I'm to accomplish everything; how I'm to deal without certain things that I really wanted. I'm weak, and I just need a little more willpower to get through it all. I'm praying for divine help in all of this.

A Little Vacation

2007-07-25T12:35:00.000-06:00

After really needing to get away and with the encouragement of some good people, I decided to take a vacation - to Provo. Okay, so I never really thought I'd miss this place, but I did. And it's just nice to be away from all the drama at home for a little bit. I got here Monday and I'll be here for about a week.

Yesterday I went to help Drex and Salad move into their new apartment. It was really nice to see those two again! Plus I got to meet Kengo and Miki and the kids. It's so nice to be back in town and to get to hang out with everyone I know and love! I feel like I actually have friends here - unlike at home, where I just have family and a few acquaintances.

There's something else about this place, too. It brings back all sorts of feelings and emotions that are really hard for me to understand. I don't know if it's because of my history here or what, but it is sort of overwhelming. It's like going and visiting the house you used to live in 10 years ago. All the memories make you smile, and then cry.

More of the Story

2007-07-18T12:16:00.000-06:00

I finally met with my branch president again on Sunday. He's worried about my testimony issues. I still don't have a temple recommend, we're meeting again in two weeks. I told him I felt worthy, and he said he needed to pray about it.

I got in a big fight with my Mom, Dad, sister, and brother-in-law. They said a lot of hurtful things that made me horribly upset and disturbed. I don't feel like being around my family much more. I think after I move out of the house in 5 weeks that I won't be coming within 50 miles of this place (to live) ever again. I'll still visit often.

The last few days have left me really questioning my testimony even more. I'm so confused about life and what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I've lost all my goals and ambitions I ever had for the future. It all seems so worthless - life, I mean. I'm depressed.

Don't worry about it too much. It's just me, I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough.

In Need

2007-07-16T13:08:00.000-06:00

I get a lot of inspiration from Relient K. They're pretty much my favorite band. Anyway, I usually try to refrain from posting music lyrics and the like, but I feel like quoting a part of one of their more recent songs ("I Need You") because I'm really feeling it right now.

. . .

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything, everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back"

. . .

Gay Presidential Debate

2007-07-11T13:02:00.000-06:00

I read a recent news piece about the first ever presidential debate centered entirely around gay issues. It will be an hour long on August 9. So far Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama, and John Edwards have already signed up. Should be interesting. According to the article, "they plan to cover a range of issues including relationship recognition, marriage equality, workplace fairness, the military, hate crimes, HIV/AIDS and other important issues."

I think it's good that these issues are gaining attention. It shows that it is a mainstream issue important to a large number of people. Things such as marriage equality and allowing open gays in the military should be important topics to discuss as a society. Quite frankly, I was disappointed when every candidate at the Republican debate in early June sidestepped the issue of gays in the military with some lame excuse like 'we are at a time of war and now is not the time to be discussing a social experiment such as this.' Personally, I would rather they just answered the questions with their honest opinion and provided their reasons for them. Then I would have been able to respectfully agree or disagree with them. Instead I just lost a lot of respect.

While I am far from a gay rights activist, GLBT issues are important to me and I like to see them discussed. To see a debate like this gives me hope for social progress and change in America. Democracy is about promoting freedom and choice, and I'm glad to see some people willing to step up and talk about it openly. I used to be a die-hard Republican, but lately I'm a lot more bi-partisan curious.

8 Random Gay Mormon Facts

2007-07-10T15:30:00.000-06:00

Abelard tagged me in a recent post to participate in this.

THE RULES

All right, here are the rules.
We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

I broke my arm jumping off a second story deck when I was 8. The doctor set the cast wrong and I can no longer touch my left shoulder with my left arm. But it bends backwards past horizontal, so it wasn't all so bad.
I'm a news junkie.
I've been pepper-sprayed by a cop.
I've never kissed a girl romantically. Ever.
My ancestors crossed the plains.
I served in four areas on my mission. All of my transfers were by plane (including to and from the mission).
I graduated in the "top 10" at my high school (by GPA) out of 300 or so graduating. I was the only male in the top 10 and teased relentlessly for it.
I love watching sports. Football is my favorite.

Tags: Okay, I'm going to break the rules and not tag anyone. I'm not much a fan of chain emails/posts and I recognize the mathematical impossibility of it continuing much further in the gay Mormon blogging world. Lets just assume, for sake of clarity, that everyone has been tagged.

Marriage to a Man

2007-07-06T12:21:00.000-06:00

Often times when I consider my long term plans I tend to revert to "the options" and try to figure out whether I want celibacy, marriage to a woman, or a gay lifestyle. I want to clarify what I mean when I say "a gay lifestyle."

Obviously, there are as many gay lifestyles as there are straight lifestyles. There are promiscuous, monogamous ,"open relationships" and everything else. But there is only one gay lifestyle that appeals to me: marriage to a man. When I talk about the possibility of living a "gay lifestyle" in the future, I am referring to a committed, monogamous, and completely loyal relationship.

I realize that actual "marriage" may not be possible in all jurisdictions yet. That's besides the point for me. What I would want, if I chose to live a gay lifestyle, would be something very similar to what I would want if I were to marry a woman. I would want to date lots of people, get to know them, find what I like and don't like. Eventually, I would want to get closer with someone and start making commitments. I wouldn't have sex until after a formal ceremony of some sort (akin to marriage). And I would try to be completely faithful and dedicated to that person ever after. I would care for him, work for him, raise children with him, and just live life with him. That's my gay dream. That's "the gay lifestyle" to me. It's the only gay option I consider when I debate between the options for my life.

Confused and Insecure

2007-07-01T21:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning I was feeling depressed. By the afternoon I felt better. And after a fun evening I was happy and enthused. This morning I was down again. By midday I was cheerful and optimistic. And now this evening I'm a little confused and insecure again.

This pattern repeats itself frequently in almost predictable cycles. My life feels like a constant roller coaster of ups and downs. It is a characteristic of my life that wasn't there a year ago. Just today I finally made the connection as to why this is happening and what is triggering it: insecurity. I guess I'm the kind of person who likes to have a long-term plan. Yes, my last post was about how I'm trying to live life one day at a time; but I can't stop thinking about the future. I want to have a more general plan, so that I can feel like I'm actually working towards something. I'm sick of not knowing where I'll be a week from today, or a month, or a year, or after I die.

I hate not knowing! Every time I think about how much I don't know and how I'm unsure if what I'm doing is right I get depressed. My downs come from not knowing. They come from being confused, from second-guessing myself. I think the church is true. I want it to be true. My life, in many ways, is much easier and simple when I'm believing in it. Yet I realize that I don't really know if it's true. I have doubts and questions that I can't find answers to. And so I get frustrated. I get confused. And that's when I get depressed.

I'm sick of thinking about it. I don't want to have to decide between living a gay lifestyle and being a member in good standing of the church! I don't want to have to choose between one form of happiness and another. Most of all, I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't want to forgo a great deal of happiness if I really don't have to. I don't want to give up a happy, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship with a man I love if it isn't absolutely necessary. Neither do I want to give up a happy, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship with the church I love if it isn't absolutely necessary. I'm so confused.

One Day at a Time

2007-06-26T14:27:00.000-06:00

I'm doing good. Really I am. I complain a lot about life and how tough it is - but I have so many reasons to be happy and content with the blessings I have and the situation I find myself in. I really feel like I have a lot, even if I sometimes fail to notice.

I got sustained for my new calling on Sunday. The Branch President was gone to a family reunion. That was good, cause I really didn't want to see him. And maybe that's why he wanted to meet in two weeks, cause he wasn't going to be around during the interim. So that makes me feel better. Oh and for those inquiring minds - I've been successful at eliminating [the big M] from my life, at least for now. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

My Mom came into the kitchen last night and it was obvious she had been crying. I hugged her, and proceeded to coerce her into telling me everything she was thinking about. We ended up having a really long conversation about the church, about being gay, and about the future. (You had to have guessed that was what she had been crying about. I hate that I'm the source of all her frustration and discontent in life!) We talked about lots of different things, too much to go into much detail here. But she really made me think and revisit the witnesses of the spirit that I've had in my life. She's very liberal in a lot of ways, and open to me living a gay lifestyle. But she's also very spiritual and I know she wants me to follow the gospel path. I really really wish there was some way I could do both. I have no idea what I am going to do with my future. I'm working on just following through with my short term goals. Life is long, but I just have to take it one day at a time.

Feeling Defeated

2007-06-17T22:03:00.000-06:00

I just wasn't in the mood for church today. I don't know why, but I wasn't. I sat through Sacrament meeting and didn't get anything out of if. I was frustrated with life and just not in the mood to feel the spirit. I reluctantly decided to go to Sunday School, but decided I would skip Priesthood and go for a drive to think. That didn't happen though. As I was going to make my escape after Sunday School I ran into the branch president who made me cringe as he said, "Hey Brady, come on into my office real quick so we can chat."

It's not that I wasn't expecting it - I've been in the branch over a month without a calling. They had finally got my records in and that was the next step. Within 3 minutes I had been given and accepted a call to serve in the branch mission presidency. I thought to myself how it was a perfect calling for someone struggling with their testimony. Our meeting was over in about 4 minutes. Well, at least, it should have been. He asked before I left how everything else was going in my life, and I shouldn't have said anything. But I did. I told him my temple recommend had expired a couple weeks ago and I should have known he would want to do an interview right then and there.

The short story is that I didn't get the recommend.

He started with all the usual testimony questions. I answered affirmatively to all the questions, figuring that because I at least wanted to believe and was trying to live the gospel that I must at least have some sort of testimony. Then the dreaded question came up, "Are you living the law of chastity?"

"I try." [Note: any answer to this question other than a resounding yes, and sometimes even then, will always elicit follow-up questions]

"Do you struggle with anything in particular?"

A long conversation ensued about the pitfalls of [the big M]. I told the branch president that I was fine and that I could stop, and that I would. He continued to lecture me on it for like 10 minutes. He kept saying over and over again that we are given sexual feelings for a reason, and that the purpose was to lead us to marriage and a family. He then said, in about 3 different ways, that if we participate in [the big M] it leads us away from dating because we don't have enough drive to ask girls out and really work towards marriage. I almost laughed. He basically told me that if you're not really horny from being sexually deprived you might not date and get married in a timely manner. He said that we needed that drive because otherwise we might just be content to not date and get married. (Oh, the irony!) I couldn't take it anymore, that's when I told him I wasn't attracted to girls.

I told him that being sexually deprived doesn't increase my attractions for girls, but for guys, so his arguments seemed less applicable. He wasn't very happy, although he had obviously dealt with gay issues numerous times before (he even said he had). We talked for a while about homosexuality, which led to talking about my testimony issues. He was frustrated and disheartened by the end. So was I. We had talked for the whole hour. Church was over and I needed to get home for dinner. We set up another appointment for two weeks from now and parted ways. I didn't bother to ask him whether or not I would be sustained next week for my new calling. I left feeling really defeated. Defeated by life. Sometimes it feels like I'm not just losing the war, but every battle along the way too.

Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments

2007-06-11T01:06:00.000-06:00

I've had several opportunities in the last few days to contemplate straight dating and straight marriage. The first came on Friday, when I went on a blind date. It was lots of fun, but also disparaging. A good friend of mine (who also happens to be my EQ president now) set the date up. We went out to eat and then to a drive-in movie. We talked, got to know each other, and just enjoyed ourselves. My date was pretty, smart, normal, and fun. She is a returned missionary and very devoted to the church. In short, she's everything I ever wanted in a future wife. There was only one problem: I wasn't attracted to her. No matter how hard I tried, there was just no feeling of desired intimacy, nothing that prompted me to hold her hand or wish that I could kiss her. There was just no physical attraction. It turned out to be just another one of those life experiences that yells at me, "You're gay and there's nothing you can do to fix it!" So in a lot of ways, it was disparaging. I haven't ruled out a second date though.

Secondly, Sunday was my parents 30th wedding anniversary. I'm impressed by their commitment to each other and how they've made their relationship work - despite countless arguments and rough times. They really have been through a lot, and I admire them for their dedication to each other and to their marriage. I can't think of a better example for me than the one my parents have shown. 30 years. Wow. Even if their physical attraction for each other probably isn't what it was 30 years ago, they work hard to love each other and remain committed. It might be hard at times, really hard, but they still do it. Why couldn't I?

The last thing was a talk in church. It was just what I needed for what I have been thinking about lately. The stake young men's president spoke about the purposes of marriage and sexual intimacy. He spoke about why marriage is between a man and a woman, and why sex is so sacred. Basically, he paraphrased a talk once given by Jeffrey R. Holland called "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." Elder Holland does an amazing job (the best I've ever heard) of articulating the doctrinal reasons why God-sanctioned marriage should be between a man and a woman - and why any sex that is not within those bounds is sinful. Plus, I love Elder Holland. If I am ever asked who my favorite general authority is, I respond in a heartbeat that it is Elder Holland. Anything he says is a little more credible to me.

Wanting to Believe

2007-05-31T02:07:00.000-06:00

After my last post I figured this would be a good time to reassure you all (or possibly disappoint some of you) by announcing that I am not leaving the church. Not even close. Despite my published doubts and lack of understanding, I still remain a faithful and committed member of the church. I still desperately want to believe, and so I do.

It seems so unlikely and improbable that the church is actually true. When you start really looking at the whole plan and the implications for all the people who have ever lived on the earth, it becomes apparent that those of us who do believe in the church are definitely not doing it because the odds are with us. But we still do it. We even do things that most in the world would laugh at - like serve full-time missions at our own expense, abstain from alcohol and coffee, or date and marry women despite being out-and-proud flaming homosexuals. (The previous statement was not meant to exclude lesbian Mormons who marry men, it was just a simplification.)

Why? Why do I still believe despite having every reason not to? I think the answer for me is threefold. First, it's what I know and understand. I've been a member of the church my whole life - it has framed every aspect of my perception of the world. I know how to be a member of the church. And it's just a part of me that is and will always be there, as much as being an American or speaking English. Secondly, all my family and friends are members. I could find new friends, I suppose, but not family. And I know that just because my family is Mormon is not a good reason for me to be Mormon. But it's really not that bad of a reason either. Millions of people claim affiliation with groups they really have no affinity for just to please other people, especially blood relatives. Lastly, I don't have anything better to believe in. I could never leave the church without replacing it with something at least equally as plausible, convincing, and satisfying. The church is amazing! I really don't know of any other organization that would be "equally" satisfying.

I have a lot of questions. And I won't accept "we don't know" for an answer. Where did we come from? What are we doing here? Where are we going? How do we find true happiness? How does
God convey truth to us? What about in modern days? Why do people have to suffer? Why do I have to experience same-sex attraction? What, really, is the purpose and meaning behind my existence? And how can I decipher truth from deception?

I haven't found satisfactory answers to those questions anywhere but from the church.

The fact is that I want to believe. The church makes sense (mostly). It provides the answers to life's greatest questions. It provides me purpose and direction and meaning in life. It makes living worthwhile. And that's what I want: for my life to mean something; for all the struggles and trials and hardships to be for something! So yes, I believe. Or at least, I want to.

When Religion Meets Calculus

2007-05-25T13:49:00.000-06:00

I hope to not incite too many people with this post. If you're easily offended by critiques of church doctrine then maybe now is a good time for you to quit reading.

There is a certain doctrine which has at times bothered me. It has bothered me every time I've heard it preached - and I understand it less now than I did when I first heard it. It is the idea that the atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite and eternal, perpetuating its miraculous effects for all worlds that God has created - which is an infinite number.

For it is expedient that there should be a great and last sacrifice.... an infinite and eternal sacrifice.

-Alma 34:10 (see also verses 12,14, and 2 Ne. 9:7)

My religion professor last semester clearly explained that this applied to all worlds created by God.* And judging by how commonly it is taught in the church without any interference from leaders (in fact, they're the ones who use it most) I take it as official church doctrine.

This is why it bothers me: it seems too good to be true. Silly perhaps, but a real concern. I mean, what are the chances that we are really that special to have been born onto the same planet as the Savior who would perform the infinite and eternal sacrifice? Out of an infinite number of planets and worlds created Jesus Christ came to our little planet to accomplish the feat. I've heard that it is because our planet is the most wicked, which to me sounds ludicrous. We have over 12 million members of the church and over a third of the world believes in Christ! Could we really be the worst out of an infinite number of other planets? Surely there has to be one out there with fewer than 30% believers! Especially since the people on those planets are all believing in some mysterious Christ figure they've never seen and no official record exists of. Presumably, all of their information comes from prophets whom they have to trust completely, with no outside corroborating evidence.

So what are the chances? I'll tell you. In calculus, the limit of one over infinity is zero. In other words, we're taught that the probability of Christ appearing on our planet out of an infinite number is negligible, even zero. This is, of course, a simplifying assumption of calculus because there is in fact the remotest possibility that it actually could happen, but it is so small that no one cares about it. And so some might say, "that's the glory of it all, that it's so unlikely yet it's still true!" That's the most amazing and fantastic part of the atonement, right? Perhaps, but I don't know.

Maybe Christianity is just like Islam, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, or any other religion that sprang forth from people, ideas, and power-hungry leaders. It spread through missionary work (and crusades) to become entrenched in society and tradition. I know that sounds bitter, but it's really not. I'm just trying to be pragmatic. I just think, in light of the infinite atonement doctrine, it becomes obvious that the chances that the church is true - mathematically - are astronomically low. (Which doesn't mean it's not true, just that the odds are low.)

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Does the doctrine of the atonement in this context not bother anyone else? Am I the only faithless Mormon that has trouble stomaching these universalist doctrines?

*Parallels with this doctrine are found in D&C 76:23-24. Elaboration can also be found in Mormon Doctrine 2nd Ed. p. 66; and "Times and Seasons" 4:82-83, 1843.

Wait, is this okay?

2007-05-19T01:07:00.000-06:00

UPDATE: So my Mom has mentioned wanting a blog a total of like 2 times since I posted this. I think she is slowly forgetting about it or rethinking the idea. If she does by chance persist at some future date I will set her up on some other blogging network. I'll let you know if that happens. (5/25/07)

So the other day when I talked to my Mom, I did something I probably shouldn't have: I told her about blogging. No, I didn't go so far as to tell her that I was a blogger or anything like that, but I explained the concept to her. She was talking about how she was having a hard time understanding my gayness and how to deal with it. She said she just wanted someone to talk to about it, but at the same time didn't want to talk to people for fear they would judge her or look at her differently.

I can totally understand that, so I listed off a few people who I thought she might be able to talk to - and that I was okay with. None of them really satisfied her. She said, "I wonder what I'm supposed to get out of all of this? Why am I experiencing this?" I wanted to reply and tell her that she's not - I am. Or that perhaps she's not that special and it's just one of those normal experiences in life. But I could see she meant something else. I told her about the Matis' and how they have made a difference after being affected deeply by the issues surrounding gay Mormondom.

She really liked that. "Yeah, I want to make a difference. I feel like my experience can benefit others, and I want to do something meaningful with my experience like the Matis' have. I want to help people in your situation" she commented to me. That's when I told her about blogging.

"It's great." I explained, "You can talk about issues, get feedback, and still remain totally anonymous." (Hmm, I hope that didn't give me away too much.)

I don't know why I was so surprised when she blurted out "I want to blog." I guess I'm a good salesman. But that wasn't even my intent. I was just giving her honest answers to her questions and trying to find a solution for her predicament. As soon as I really started envisioning her blogging, all sorts of red flags started popping up. What about when she finds my blog? She'll surely know it's me, especially with some of the past posts. Is she going to be too involved in my life and all my friends' lives? I mean, she'll read all our posts and comments! My blog is my space to be myself and not worry about if my Mom is reading it! (Thanks to Gimple for that insight.) Do people in the blogosphere want someone's Mom to have a blog? Will that just be too weird?

Since then she's asked me several times to show her how to blog. I've already tried to procrastinate and play stupid with lines like, "I think blogging would be hard and time consuming," "I don't know much about it," "You don't really want to do that, do you?" But she's been persistent, and I think she's serious. I thought maybe she would forget about it, but she hasn't. So now I don't know what to do... help me!

What Do I Want?

2007-05-15T19:25:00.000-06:00

I've had the opportunity lately to think a lot about what I want out of life. About where I'm going and how I'm supposed to get there. The problem is that I don't know what I want. Mostly because I don't know where I'm going and how I'm supposed to get there!

I love the church. I was born and raised a member of the church and I latched on to it from a young age. When I was 18 the only thing I wanted to do was serve a mission. I worked for that goal and never took my eyes off of it. I had an amazing mission, too. I think I was blessed with unusually amazing mission parents. My mission president still inspires and motivates me - even just thinking about him and the things he said. That experience left a feeling in my heart that remains today.

It's the feeling that guides my life, that leads me to happiness as much as pain. It is the feeling that I want to do what is right. No matter what the sacrifice is, or how hard it may be, I just want to do what's right. I want to be good, to succeed, and to fulfill my purpose.

If the church really is true, then I have no reason to hold back. I will give my all to it! I would have more than enough strength to marry a woman, or remain celibate, or do whatever else is required to get to the Celestial Kingdom. If that's the right path in life, then I want to take it!

The problem - for me and probably most people - is with doubts and fears. I question my belief in the church. I doubt how it could really be the right answer for everyone the world over. I don't understand the plan of salvation and how I'm supposed to spend all of eternity sending infinite numbers of my beloved children down to my worlds to experience something as horrible as what I'm going through now. It just doesn't make sense to me. And so I do hold back. I wonder (quietly and out loud) whether this path is really the one that will bring me the most happiness.

Because if it is, I have no problem submitting myself to whatever trials and temptations come my way - and choosing the right. I will gladly do it. Anyway, what's my point in all of this? What am I really getting at? I'll tell you...

I feel guilty for publishing my blog. I feel bad for influencing any other person, ever. I don't want to be a force for change - because I'm afraid I'll make things worse. I don't know what I believe - and I don't know what's best for me in my life. I don't know what will bring me the most happiness. And I sure as hell don't know what will bring you the most happiness! So don't take my advice! Don't listen to me! I don't want the blame for leading someone else astray. I think I'll be in enough hot water with my own choices. I'm going to try and do what's best for me, and I can still publish my life for your reading pleasure - just don't take me too seriously. Don't make choices based on anything I say or do. There are much better examples than me, and people who can give you much better advice if you want it.

What do I want? I just want to do what's right for me. Whatever I'm supposed to do and whatever will bring me the most happiness. I care about you, and sincerely hope you find the same thing. I'm just not in a position to help you find it.

Compromised

2007-05-14T20:58:00.000-06:00

So in case anyone out there hasn't noticed, I've had a difficult time keeping up with this blog lately. And it's not that I don't have time to post, or even that I don't have things that I really want to talk about, but rather an outside force holding me back.

You see, the last few months have been great. I've gotten out and met tons of people at BYU. I feel like I have tons of new friends and I love spending time with them. The downside is that now I have tons of people who know who I am. (And I do mean TONS. If you don't know my true identity, you're probably in the minority.) I feel hesitant about addressing certain issues on my blog for fear of offending some of my friends. And not just that, but sometimes I might say something that would indicate a view contrary to established beliefs of the church - which might be against the honor code. So one of these people could potentially turn me in and I could get kicked out of school. That would suck! Now I know most of these people are way cooler and more open-minded than that, but I can't help but realize that the possibility exists. I guess fear has silenced me (this is totally my fault, and I acknowledge that).

So I just don't know what to blog about anymore. Do I turn it into a social blog akin to a Facebook profile? Or do I start a private blog so I can talk about more personal events in my life (that may or may not be against the honor code)? Should I just start a new blog altogether? Maybe I should just not worry about it and post on the things I want to talk about anyway.

The fact is that my identity has been compromised. I should have seen it coming and never divulged my personal information. But in doing so I met a lot of people and now have some really good friends. So I'm glad I did in many respects. But now I'm confused as to where I should go with this blog. What do you think?

On Mother's Day

2007-05-13T18:19:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the hiatus. After getting home for the summer my family and I went on a vacation to Florida. It was tons of fun. We got to go to Disney World and Universal Studios and all the other cool theme parks. Plus we went to Cape Canaveral and I got to swim in the Atlantic (for the first time ever).

But the vacation was bittersweet. Something happened that I never expected or anticipated would ever happen in my entire life: I missed Provo. I wanted to be there and hang out with all the cool people I met over the last few months. I wanted to spend my time with people I feel a deep connection to.

And it's not that I don't feel a connection to my family, because I do. It's just different. I don't feel like they understand me and there is a degree of tension because of that. I'm so different from my siblings, and I feel a disconnect with my Dad. My Mom is one of the few people I feel like I can talk to - that understands me, or at least tries to.

Yesterday, after going through a bout of despair thinking about my life, I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. To my surprise my Mom was there, crying. And as it turned out she was crying about me. Not only me, but about life in general. I guess we were both on the same page that morning. A long conversation ensued. We talked and cried together for a long time. We talked about the church, and about the future. We talked about the past and the events in our life that have influenced us most. And for a long time we just acknowledged each other's presence, and the fact that neither of us really know what life is all about.

My Mom is amazing. She's truly wonderful. I love her as much for what she doesn't know (and that she's willing to admit it) as for what she does. I love that she is as open and honest with me as I want to be with her. I appreciate her example to me, and her desire to do what's right regardless of situation and circumstance. That's the way I am too. I don't know what life is all about. I have plenty of doubts about the church and its teachings. But I'm willing to cast it all aside if it's true. I just want to do what's right. I'm willing to make whatever sacrifice is necessary if that's truly what's required. I just don't know if it really is. Thank goodness for a wonderful example and someone to help me along the way. Thank goodness for my mother.

Coming Home

2007-04-30T15:15:00.000-06:00

It was a long drive. 14 hours to be exact. But I made it all the way back here safe and sound. Ahhh.... the smell of fresh air. *Takes in a deep breath*

So the drive wasn't so bad. My brother and I rented a car and came back in style. Although renting the car was a huge mess and the company screwed up so many times that I lost count. And I don't want to get sued for slander or something, but I'll just discreetly say that I don't recommend rental car companies that start with "A" and end with "vis." It was a nightmare. And I'm still trying to work with them so I don't get overcharged. Arghh!

Technically I was the only person allowed to drive the rental car because you have to be over 21. But I figured it was safer to switch it up every now and then.... cause I got really tired. I realized later why they have those rules though when I woke up and saw how far we'd come in such a short amount of time. Apparently my brother decided to see how fast the car could go (the governor kicked in at 125MPH) and then just went about 95MPH the rest of the time. He knows I don't like that, which is why he waited until I was asleep. I probably wouldn't have slept so well if I'd have known...

Anyway, it was nice to get home and see my parents. I forgot for a time that they even knew I was gay. I didn't talk to them about it and they didn't treat me any differently than they always have. Well, with one notable exception.

Yesterday (yes, this was Sunday) my Mom suggested we go and get something from the new Taco Bell down the street. We had a brief conversation about breaking the Sabbath, but none of us felt bad enough about it to not do it. Anyway, along the way my brother started talking about his girlfriend and how much he missed her and stuff. So then my Mom jumps in and decides to give my brother and me some advice, "The thing you want to look for in a marriage partner is..." And then she paused. She glanced at me and then started over, "The thing you want to look for in a mate is that they make you want to be a better person, and you make them want to be a better person."

The advice was good, but even more significant to me was how she told me something else in the words she didn't say. She was letting me know that she's accepted the idea of me being in a non-marriage relationship, probably gay. In essence, my Mom was saying, "this is what I want you to look for in the person you end up with, and I realize that that might be a guy." Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but I don't think so. I really think my Mom has come to terms with it and is very supportive of whatever lifestyle I end up choosing. It's nice to have parents that are so understanding.

Quick Update

2007-04-20T10:59:00.000-06:00

Since I know you're all dying to find out what my brother wanted to talk to me about I figured I'd share a brief update. No, he's not gay. Too bad though, that would have made for a really good post. Anyway, turns out he is just questioning whether or not he wants to go on a mission.

He had a really hard time talking to me. It took him like 2 days to finally get it out, and even then I asked him about it like 3 or 4 times. He always said he wasn't in the mood to talk, so I was getting pretty worried. Then when it turned out to be just him thinking about not going on a mission I was like, "That's it? That's what you wanted to talk to me about?"

I think there's more to it that he's not telling. Let me divulge the rumor here, since he'll never find out about it. He has a girlfriend, and they've been going out for like 4 months now. They spend a lot of time together. Many nights he doesn't come home until 4am. And he claims they were "watching a movie" or just "at the park" or something. I try not to pry into his personal business too much, for fear of sounding like his mother, but I have been worried for a little while now that maybe their relationship has gone too far. Perhaps this is why he's rethinking a mission: he knows he might not be worthy. It would be kind of sad for him to not go just because of a mistake, but it worries me. I love my brother and only want the best for him. And I know that a mission would be a good experience for him, and that sex is only a temporary pleasure - somewhat meaningless without accompanying long-term commitments. I don't want to see him hurt.

I wonder if there was something I could have done to prevent it. This is all assuming that I'm right, which I may never find out.

Coming Out Completely

2007-04-16T08:51:00.001-06:00

The last two months has been a time of opening up and coming out for me. It has been scary at times, interesting at times, but mostly just real. It has felt good. I feel like I can be me and can be open about who I am with other people. Acceptance is a very real and comfortable feeling. Being honest has never felt so good.

I first told my parents, with the encouragement of a few really good friends. My Dad took it hard, my Mom was amazing. I haven't talked with my Dad since - not because we're avoiding each other, it's just that we don't talk that often. And I'm not sure either of us would know what to say to each other. After initially coming out, I didn't initiate any conversation with my parents. I was allowing them space to sort things out, and then contact me when they were ready to talk. Exactly two weeks later, my Mom finally called me back.

"I guess it's my turn to respond." She stated hesitantly.

We talked for a long time. We talked about our relationship, the church, the purpose of life, and what it means to be gay. She was incredibly understanding. And surprisingly liberal. For being a stake relief society president, she sure surprised me in hinting (without any provocation on my part) that she would be accepting if I chose to live a gay lifestyle.

"I know how hard it would be for you to marry a woman... but I don't want you to be lonely for your whole life."

She told me how much she loved me and restated that she would never cut off a relationship with me - or try to sweep my problems under the rug. She is willing to address them, and to support me in whatever route I choose. I love my Mom so much! She is seriously amazing.

With a little encouragement from her and others, I decided to also tell my younger brother. For an 18 year old kid, I wasn't sure how he would handle it. He seems generally pretty immature most of the time, and from everything I could observe - very homophobic. But I needed to tell him. And so I did. His initial response was disappointment and skepticism. But eventually that faded into love and compassion. Our relationship is better because of it. Last night, just before we went to sleep (he's my roommate) he said to me, "Brady?"

"What? I was almost asleep." I moaned with an agitated voice.

"Remind me that I need to talk to you tomorrow." He said a little hesitantly.

"About what? Do you want to talk right now?" I responded a little cautiously and curiously.

"No, I'm too tired. But it's about me, not you. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you, too. Goodnight."

My brother and I have a good relationship. I think it has gotten a little more intimate and personal, now that we've been more open and honest with each other. He scared me a little with this last night though. I have no idea what he wants to talk to me about. I'm a little nervous actually. It can't be any worse than what I told him a week ago. I'll find out later today.

The coming out process is not complete, but it's getting there. I have two sisters left. I plan on telling one of them in about two weeks. The other will take more time. As for friends and acquaintances, I feel more out than ever! I have more gay friends now (that know about me and I about them) than the total amount of gay people I even knew of until 6 months ago! And I feel good about it. I'm glad that I can be me and be open about my life with other people. I'm appreciative of the many good friends and people I have been privileged to meet.

10 Reasons I Can Call Myself a Mormon

2007-04-06T08:33:00.000-06:00

I recently read a rather inflammatory post by Max. In it he insinuated that gay or questioning (pun intended) Mormons can't actually call themselves "Mormon." He referred to the idea that the church is composed of prophets and apostles who lead and guide the church by revelation and thus teach only absolute truths ordained of God. And for the most part, doctrinally, he's right. While the leaders of the church are mortal and allowed personal opinions and bias, they do for the most part try to teach only sound doctrine and eternal truth.

I'm just not sure I believe the argument that one must be opposed to gay rights if he or she desires to be called a Mormon. Can you not be supportive of the concept of agency and allow others to choose while still being personally opposed to it? I believe abortion should be legal and regulated, but that doesn't mean I'd encourage someone to get one. I can believe gays should be allowed to marry without personally encouraging or engaging in such a marriage. (In the same way I don't smoke, but allow others the freedom to pursue this harmful and disgusting practice. I even believe God condemns tobacco use, but still believe it should be legal and regulated.)

I support gay rights, and I have a more liberal view of prophets and their teachings than most members of the church. Nevertheless, I 100% consider and call myself a Mormon based on culture, definition, and belief. So, without getting too serious, I've highlighted some of the reasons I call myself a Mormon with the following list.

I consider myself a Mormon because:
1. I go to church every week.
2. I hold a calling, although admittedly it's an easy one.
3. All of my extended family on both sides was born and raised LDS.
4. I am current on my tithing, making me a full tithe-payer for 23 years running.
5. My ancestors crossed the plains.
6. If Harry Reid can do it, so can I.
7. While I am first and foremost cheering for Obama to be the next president, I am secretly following Mitt Romney's campaign and hoping he'll win at least the Republican nomination.
8. James E. Faust is a registered Democrat.
9. I am a card-carrying member, and thus by definition "Mormon."
10. I watched all 10 hours of conference last weekend.

Back to Blogging

2007-03-30T11:23:00.000-06:00

Life has been up and down for a while now. March has been an amazing month. I'm a changed man. Actually, I'm much the same as before, but I realize so much more now about life, love, and happiness. I know what I want out of life, I'm comfortable with myself and my situation. I know better than ever what I have to offer in a potential relationship, and I know the things I want to work on to become better. I feel very content in my life. More than that, I feel happy. I like me and I like life.

I won't tell everything that has happened the last few weeks, but I'll share bits and pieces for the next little while. My relationship with my parents is great, my friendships with Zach and Cas are mostly back intact, and my hope in the future is brighter than ever. I still go up and down at times, but for the most part I'm really happy with where I'm at. I feel good. I'll share more about certain specific events over the next few posts, as well as any new developments as they happen.

I should add one more thing: a big thank you to the many many people who reached out to me over the last few weeks. I needed it. I know I wasn't able to respond to all of you or call or talk or whatever, but I appreciate the love and support. I recognize the gesture and want to sincerely say, "Thank You!" I didn't realize how many good, caring, and honest MoHo's there are that are willing to lend a listening ear. I didn't realize how many friends I really have.

How Much is Enough?

2007-03-19T09:17:00.000-06:00

*Note: My hiatus from the blog world will continue. I’m again at one of the hardest points ever in my life. I hope to emerge from this Hell a better person though. I only use this post as a chance to say one final thing to some people I once knew. At least I thought I knew.

This is for you…both of you…

Pieces (by Rascal Flatts)

From the moment that we met
My world was turned around, upside down
To some degree I still regret
My memory for keepin’ you around
[Boy] I thought that you were mine
But my broken heart has been shattered
One too many times

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin’
There's nothin’ left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces

Someone let you down again
So you turn to me, your convenient friend
Oh but I know what you're doin’
And what you hope to find
I've seen a thousand times
All the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin'
There's nothin' left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces

Yeah..

I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin'
There's nothin' left for you to break
Baby please release me
We both know that you don't need me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces

Let it rest...

Signing Off

2007-03-12T10:23:00.000-06:00

I can't explain everything I'm going through right now. There's just no way. It's an extremely emotional and difficult time for me. I have way too much to think about.

As you can tell from his last post, Zach has made some good decisions for himself. I'm proud of him and his courage to do what he feels is right. And we're still friends, but it changes things for me. In the process of sorting through it all I have been put back on the emotional roller coaster that defined my life for the last 6 months. I don't know what I want out of life. I don't even know what the purpose really is, or why I have to go through all of this! I'm heartbroken, sad, confused, angry, relieved, exhausted, tired, and strained. I don't know where I'll go from here, but I know I need time to figure it out.

I love the blogosphere and the help that you all have been to me. I appreciate your opinions and advice, your support and encouragement. I just can't do it right now. I need time by myself to figure things out. So I'm signing off. I'm taking a short-term hiatus from it all. I won't be posting, commenting, or reading for a little while. I don't know how long. I'll be back eventually, maybe in a few weeks. Until then...

Becoming a Better Person

2007-03-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

I realize that lately I haven't talked about Zach much. Not since I first talked about him (in that post that sounded more like a teenage girl's diary than a 22 year old college student's blog). Things have been going great though. I've come to like him more and more. The more I learn about him and the better we get to know each other the more impressed I am. He's amazing. Seriously.

And that's the thing. I feel so inadequate and inept to give him something of value. At times I sit and wonder what I contribute to the relationship. What do I have to offer? I'm sure we've all felt this at times, but it has hit me so strongly lately. Here is this amazing person who has worked so hard to become who he is, to be the best at everything he can, and to develop his personality - and then there's me. I've done the opposite. When I was 19 I loved myself. I thought of myself as outgoing, fun to be with, humorous, dedicated, thoughtful, and interesting. I thought I would be the greatest catch ever for some girl after my mission. But all of that changed.

My mission was all serious. Part of it being the culture, part of it being the nature of my service, but I was a very subdued person. I was trying so hard to hold myself with dignity that I ended up squashing some of my favorite parts of my personality. And then the post-mission. I quickly realized that my hopes for marriage would be much farther off (and by extension all my life's dreams). I spent all last year lamenting myself and my lot in life. I became depressed and withdrawn. As I lost hope in life and lost sight of my goals in life, I failed to develop my personality - and instead let most of the best of me fall by the wayside. My social life became almost nonexistent and my personality dull and boring. Now I didn't have to worry about not getting married, because I was putting myself in a position where no one would want to marry me.

Then came Caspian. After meeting him a few months ago I began to regain my sanity. I started to realize that I was a normal, complete, and whole person. I enjoyed my time around him and my conversations with him. He has been such an amazing and positive influence for me. He's helped me make decisions and better analyze the perplexities of my life. In short, he changed my outlook on life. Caspian has been everything I could hope for in a true friend. And I hope our friendship continues on for a very long time. He was the catalyst for change.

I was still somewhat withdrawn though. As I came closer to decisions in my life and began to regain my sanity I became nervous and fearful - afraid for what the future holds. I still hadn't begun to redevelop my personality. All of that has changed since I met Zach. His confidence and amazing personality has inspired me. I'm beginning to better myself again. I know now more than ever what and who I want to be. I think I'm regaining some of that self-confidence that was such an integral part of me growing up. I feel better about myself and I feel better about life. It's wonderful! In just a couple short weeks my life has been transformed. And I'm liking it.

I've realized from the time I first met Zach that the chances that we develop a serious romantic relationship, get married, raise kids and spend the rest of our lives together are pretty small. But I can dream, can't I? =) It doesn't really matter though, because no matter what happens or doesn't happen, it's been (and continues to be) an amazing experience. I hope it stays that way. I hope that we can better get to know each other so that if nothing else we can be friends for a very long time. I feel so lucky to have been able to meet the people I have. You guys are awesome! It has been just what I needed at just the right time in my life. And because of that I feel wonderful about life and the fact that I am once again, and finally, becoming a better person.

The Coming Out Experience

2007-03-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Last week was interesting. It was good in so many ways. I feel like I've progressed a lot. I've learned a lot about myself and about life. And I feel better about it all.

Knowing that my parents now know of my struggles is a terrifying and wonderful feeling. I'm glad they know. I hope they can begin to understand me, and that together we can improve our relationship. I worry at the same time that we will have some difficult conversations ahead. Some that might be just as difficult as the ones I had on Saturday. I'm scared to talk to them about the church, to let them know of my doubts. I don't want to let them down.

And that's the thing. My initial reaction on Saturday was shame. I felt bad - like I had just burst all their hopes and dreams for me. I felt like I had done something horrible. Inside I was guilty about being who I am. Especially with my Dad. After talking to him I felt like defective merchandise. It seemed like he wanted a full refund. That was hard. My Mom made things a lot better, but I still felt like I was a huge disappointment for her. I just don't know why it has to be like that. In my heart I know I've done nothing wrong. Why do I feel so bad about being gay then? The church says explicitly that we don't need to be ashamed of our feelings or inclinations - but why then do I feel bad about it?

My life has been a roller coaster lately. Emotionally and spiritually, physically and mentally. I've had all sorts of new experiences, new feelings, ups and downs. I feel like more has happened to me in the last couple weeks than the preceding few months. Life has suddenly become accelerated. Maybe it's the excitement of being more open about myself. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush I've received through certain experiences. Perhaps it's just that I finally feel like I'm at the point where I am really understanding myself and more of what I want out of life. I'm glad I'm having the experiences I am right now - even if I don't know where it will really lead me. I'm feeling a lot better about myself and just life in general.

I Did It (Again)

2007-03-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my Mom. It has taken me a few minutes to let my emotions wind down and quit crying. It was such a different experience with my Mom. Like night and day. She was accepting, understanding, loving, thoughtful, and compassionate. She said over and over "This doesn't change how I feel about you at all. You're the same person to me. I love you just the same."

She was so kind and considerate - so quick to reassure me and tell me its all okay. She had a much more deep and intimate understanding than my Dad. It really was completely different talking to her. After talking I was incredibly relieved, I felt loved, I knew it would be okay. After talking with my Dad I was upset, frightened, nervous, and disappointed. I felt horrible inside. I was discouraged thinking my parents might never understand me. I feel so much better now though!

I'm so glad it's over with. I'm glad I did it. I really do feel like my relationship with my parents will improve from here on out. I feel like I at least have one parent who understands, who's on my side. I feel now like I can trust my Mom, like I can call her and talk to her frankly and honestly again in the future. She's amazing.

More on my coming out experience to come. I'm sure the next few days will be interesting. By the way, I sent the letter to my parents after I got off the phone with my Mom. I told her I was emailing her a letter that explained a little more thoroughly my thoughts and my situation. She was appreciative and said she'd read it carefully. Thanks to all of you who helped me gain the motivation to do this. Thanks for all the comments and advice regarding the letter as well. I made lots of changes taking into consideration all the things I was hearing. If you're interested in seeing the final copy I can email it to you.

I Did It

2007-03-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

I tried calling my Mom yesterday and today and could never get ahold of her. So I called home and my Dad picked up. We talked for a long time about business and the stuff he likes to talk about. Then I just decided to do it. "Dad, can we have a serious conversation?"
(Nervously) "Ummm, sure. What is it?"
"This is really hard for me. You know how I haven't been dating much? I'm not really attracted to women."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes."

We talked for almost an hour. He took it pretty hard. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I still have to talk to my Mom. My dad sounded very ignorant throughout our conversation. He said things like, "It's probably just a hormone imbalance. You might have too much estrogen." "Sex is a learned art, I'm sure you can learn to like a woman." And "You can't get married to a guy."

I think more than anything he just wasn't prepared for it at all. I took him by surprise. He has a lot of preconceived misconceptions. No doubt due to years of naivety. This is going to be an interesting experience for sure. I'm all over the place in this post, but I'm still reeling from the life-altering conversation I had just 20 minutes ago. I'll be talking to my Mom later. He agreed to not talk to her until I did. I hope that it goes better.

In the end I'm glad I did it. Glad to have this much over with. But I am a little more concerned for the future now. I came away feeling terrible. Like I'd just let him down and dashed all his hopes for me. He sounded disappointed, concerned, shocked, and uncomfortable. I hope that with a little bit of research, understanding, and time things will improve drastically. We're definitely starting at the bottom on this one.

The Gayest Week of My Life

2007-03-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

The stress and burden this week of coming out to my parents has been almost unbearable. I've been sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I'm so nervous! It's definitely going to happen though. I think I'm going to call and send my revised letter the same day. Probably Saturday, but possibly tomorrow or Sunday - it kind of depends on the situation. But it should happen this weekend. I'll post at least something pretty quick afterwards to let you know how the initial reaction was.

Okay so this is quickly turning into the gayest week of my life. And not just because of coming out and all the issues surrounding it. I also met someone. His name is Zach. He first read my blog and emailed me to say "thanks" about two weeks ago. He sounded really cool and so I emailed him back. We emailed back and forth for a few days and then decided to meet up. Zach, Caspian, and I all hung out for a few hours on Sunday with some other friends and just had a really good time. I was kind of nervous at first, but it turned out really well. Not only was Zach incredibly good looking, he had an amazingly awesome personality! He's fun, interesting, smart, funny, thoughtful, and just an all-around good guy. And I was instantly attracted - a feeling that only grew stronger the more I got to know him.

I wasn't sure if he felt the same way about me, until he started giving me some compliments via text message. It was an incredible feeling to be complimented about my looks and personality from another guy that I was also really attracted to. It was unlike anything I have ever felt before. I just can't describe how good it felt! (It was so different from the feeling when a girl tells me something similar.) So anyway, as you could imagine, compliments turned into flirting, and flirting turned into dating. We went on our first "official" date last night. We connect on so many levels that it was almost too easy to get ourselves into a dangerous situation - alone, in a parked car, no one around...

Yet nothing happened. I wanted so badly to at least make out with him. I would have loved and enjoyed every second of it! And I think he would have too (*wink). But we couldn't. Why? The whole religion factor of course. You see, he's also a BYU student. He's currently in the process of getting past some previous mistakes and improving his standing in the church. I didn't want to be an impediment to his progress, as he could risk losing a lot of it. I really genuinely care about Zach. Yes, I am very attracted to him in every way. And yes, the feeling seems to be mutual. But I want what's truly best for him, not just what I want, or what feels right in the moment. Maybe it sounds silly since we've only known each other for two weeks, but I really do care about him.

I never thought something romantic could develop so quickly. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Heck, I've never even kissed anyone before (boy OR girl)! Yes, now you know my other big secret, I have virgin lips (unless you count the neighborhood girl when I was 8). So I'm sure Zach is reading this, but I don't mind because it's nothing I haven't already told him and we haven't talked about. I feel like I've known him forever, even though I just met him. I don't plan on moving too fast, but I definitely want to get to know him better. I'll keep you updated.

The other thing that's making this the gayest week of my life is that I'm going to a gay club in Salt Lake tomorrow. I know, that's a risky proposition, but I'm curious as to what "the scene" is like. Plus I want to go to hang out with Caspian and Zach. It should be fun, even if I'm slightly uncomfortable at times. I'm preparing myself for anything.

I thought I would be crawling out of the closet this week, but it's becoming more of a giant leap.

Dear Mom and Dad

2007-02-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

You are cordially invited into the closet with me.

*Note: This post is on the longer side. Read it when you have time. *

Okay so here it is. The dreaded coming out letter. I appreciate the advice of those that have said I might consider talking to them in person or at least the phone. I am taking that into consideration. The reason I wanted a letter is because the next time I see them is this summer and I have to live with them for 4 months. I was hoping this way it would give them time to get over the initial shock. Plus it allows me to control the situation much better.

Feel free to comment on anything, and I do mean anything, in this letter. The reason I am posting it is to get feedback and advice before I actually send it. I want to catch the things that sound funny and the parts that might be interpreted wrong. I want to know if there will be obvious questions they will have that I have forgotten to answer. Mostly, I want your help! I promise not to be offended by anything you say about the letter (in general or specifically). I won't think any less of you if you tell me it sucks and I should just scrap the whole idea. Also remember you can email me stubyu@gmail.com if that is more comfortable for you. That all being said, here goes nothing.

*Also, a note about my parents. They are very principled people and devoted members of the church. They have very little if any idea about my situation. I anticipate them reacting in a calm but concerned way. I'm sure they will read it over 10 times and scrutinize every word. (Thus the need to be cautious and careful with how I say things.)

Dearest Mom and Dad,

You’re probably wondering why I wrote you this letter—since I could easily call you if I needed to talk to you. Well, this letter has been a long time in the making. There are some things I have been wanting—and needing—to say but just haven’t been able to. I figured a letter was the best way to say exactly what I wanted to. It also allows you some time to think about things before you feel like you have to respond.

There are two things I want to tell you. The first is that I love you. Hopefully I have been expressive enough in the past, but I haven’t told in a while you how much I sincerely love and appreciate all you do and have done for me. One of my greatest hopes is that someday I can be a parent, as good to my children as you have been to me. Thank you for all your hard work, love, dedication, understanding, and compassion. There is nothing more that I could have hoped for.

The second thing I want to tell you is trickier. I don’t really know if there is a “right” way to say it either, so I’ll just say it the best I know how. I’m attracted to other guys. I have known this for almost 10 years, and although I believed somehow it would eventually go away, it hasn’t. Some might say that I’m “gay” or that I suffer from “same-gender attraction.” Neither seems to totally fit, but it doesn’t matter to me really anyway. (Being “gay” has a connotation of deviant behavior—which doesn’t describe me at all, but at the same time “suffering from same-gender attraction” sounds like I have some sort of disease which doesn’t feel right either.)

Talking about something so intimate and personal to me is difficult. I’m the kind of person who likes to keep things to himself. I don’t like to tell other people my problems, or cause undue drama. This is something very personal and intimate for me, but something I want you to know. I hope it will help you understand me better and ultimately improve our relationship. I always want to be completely honest and open with you. That is why it has been so difficult to keep this inside for so long. I never wanted to cause you any heartache or extra stress. I thought somehow I could just deal with it on my own and then you would never have to worry about it. And I don’t want you to worry too much now either.

The most important thing you could do for me is to just pray. I also just want you to be understanding and not worry. I’m doing everything I can to figure stuff out myself. I’ve read just about every publication dealing with the subject that I could find. I’ve talked to numerous people who are dealing with the same issues. I’m meeting with a counselor at BYU. And I continue to pray for and seek for answers from above.

I want you to know that I am the same person I have always been. Nothing has changed. If anything, coming to terms with this has made me a more understanding, kind, and accepting person. There are times that I get frustrated—at myself, at God, or at others—but it is all a learning experience. I also want you to know and understand that I don’t blame either of you for any of my personal trials. Neither do I blame myself. I did not choose these feelings, I did not ask for them, and I certainly don’t want them. If I could get rid of them I would (and life would be so much less complicated for me if that were possible). However, it has become obvious to me that they probably will never go away.

So where do I go from here? What do I want for my future? I don’t know. I have struggled with these questions repeatedly, and have found no satisfying answer. For now I have decided to not decide, and I am planning on just living as best as I know how - much the same as I always have. My ambitions haven’t changed. And although I sometimes get discouraged I am usually able to maintain a positive outlook on life and the future.

Hopefully you can understand now why I have been struggling to maintain focus on some of the major goals for my life. You can probably better understand my hesitancy with regards to dating, and my evolving views on marriage. (Speaking of marriage, I still think it’s a wonderful thing—and a possibility for my future—but I also want to be very cautious in how I approach it.) I just have a lot of things that I’ve had to think about and at times let them bottle up inside. The stress and pressures were perhaps more than I was prepared for, but things are getting better.

If you have questions that you’d like to ask, feel free. Be aware though that I’m just as uncomfortable as you in talking about this. I also don’t have all the answers (not even close!). Part of the reason for a letter is to give you time to digest and do your own research if you want. I don’t expect any sort of response immediately. Feel free to do things in your own time. Hopefully we can still carry on the same relationship we have always had and not be uncomfortable talking to each other. That is my hope—that this will be more informational than alarming. That it will be something that we can acknowledge, process, and move on. Although I know it will be difficult.

One final thing: again, I love you. I really hope this doesn’t change our relationship. I don’t want you to be burdened with this. That is not my intent. I just want you to know. That’s all really. Also, (and this should go without saying but I’ll say it anyway) this information is for you two and none else. I am giving you this privileged information because I love you and trust you. I am extending a trust to you unlike any I have ever before. Please don’t violate that trust. (Read: Don’t share this information with ANYONE! I’m serious here.) There might come a time when I feel like other people would benefit from knowing about this, but not now. When and if that time comes I want to be the one to tell them. This applies to anyone—especially family. Thank you so much for understanding.

With Love,

****

Parental Consent

2007-02-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

There is an interesting phenomenon throughout the world about parental consent. A general disagreement, if you will, on when an adult becomes an adult. In America it's 18, in European countries it's 15, 16, or 18. In Japan it's 20. Other countries have similar standards. The purpose of it all seems to be to protect children. It grants parents the right to have a measure of control over their children's lives. Society does this wisely and it works fairly well. And most countries seem to be in agreement that sometime in the late teen years one becomes old enough to make decisions for him or herself. They can sign legal documents, enter contracts, use certain controlled substances, and do other things (I won't elaborate on all of them).

Late teen years? I'm almost 23 years old, so why do I still feel the need to still ask for permission from my parents to do things? Is it the whole "honor your father and your mother" thing? Is it just LDS culture that keeps families attached so tightly to each other (almost to the point of co-dependence)? Why do I feel so much like I need to please them? How come I worry so much about their reaction to me coming out? Or what they would do if I choose to marry another man?

Sure I can legally make decisions for myself and do whatever I want. There's still this innate part of me that seeks their consent though. Perhaps a better word is approval. I want my parents to approve of me and my actions. I seek after their love and support. I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I want to be 100% honest with them and still have a great relationship.

So I'm coming out. I can't take it any longer. I feel like they should know. Honestly, I'm an "adult" and it probably isn't their 'right' to know, but I want them to. I need to tell them for me as much as for them. But I'm scared to death. I have no idea how they will react. I don't know how it will go. But I'm doing it. This week. That's right, I'm sending the letter this week. I have to do it before I chicken out. My next post will be a copy of the letter. I want it to sound good, so I would love your advice on how to improve it.

Straightforward Poetry

2007-02-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

So I realize that I haven't yet posted any poetry that I like, just one that I hate. (And I hope you noticed the cynicism in that post.) The following poem is one that I can really relate to. I first read this poem several years back and really enjoyed it. Enough that I memorized it and recited it in a Sacrament Meeting talk. Yes, before my mission I traveled with a high councilor in the stake to various wards and spoke with him. I needed something shocking so that he would stop asking me to come with him.

Buttprints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When men must fight, and men must climb,
When men must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand."
-Author Unknown

I thought it was irreverent enough that the high councilor would maybe stop bringing me with him on his stake tour. It wasn't. He thought it was great and invited me again the next month. In the end all the speaking was probably good for me. I guess it helped prepare me for the mission - where I spoke almost weekly in some of the smaller branches.

I should add that this poem is more than just humor to me. I really do gain a little insight from the idea that God doesn't always solve all our problems, or give us all the answers. Sometimes He lets us struggle to figure things out. He will only carry us for so long before we are expected to do a little on our own.

Poetic Confusion

2007-02-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the Moho Book Club I'm going to comment on some poetry. I know the assignment was to comment on "favorite" poetry, but I opted instead to comment on a poem that I hate. So I guess this is more the spirit of the law than the letter of the law.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
 -Robert Frost

I know this poem is beloved to many and that by saying I don't like it I risk ostracizing myself from poetry lovers everywhere. Even President Hinckley quoted this poem in an April 2006 conference talk as he referred to the relatively unique course his life has taken.

I first remember reading this poem as a 10th grader in a sophomore English class. I studied it, along with the life of Robert Frost in much more detail the next year. And I was impressed by it, somehow thinking my life was on a path "less traveled." I suppose I felt sort of vindicated by the fact that I was part of a religious and sexual minority.

I look back now much more critically. What exactly does it mean to take the road less traveled? To be Mormon? Gay? Female (statistically, women make up only 49.75% of the world's population)? I'm sure everyone is part of some minority, chosen or not. Are they not then taking the road less traveled? And if everyone is on the road less traveled then suddenly no one is on it. In other words, if we're all unique than no one is unique.

I suppose you could boil it down to choices people make and argue that the road less traveled is the moral high ground. That seems like a fairly pessimistic (albeit realistic) view of the world (to assume that most people choose bad over good). In this case, however, President Hinckley has definitely taken the road less traveled. But then so have millions of other people. Suddenly the road less traveled doesn't seem so special.

I won't go on much more, other that to summarize by saying that this poem just doesn't do it for me. It doesn't mean much to me anymore. As my view of the world has widened my perception of the road "less traveled" has changed. I believe all people are basically good - and that they're trying to do the best they know how with the information they have. I can't criticize people for doing their best, even if they sometimes follow where so many others have gone before.

My Counseling Experience

2007-02-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

When I got my flu shot this season I thought I would be safe from getting seriously sick. I haven't gotten the flu, but I did get sick nevertheless. It seems to be just a cold - but a really bad one. Being sick just makes life unpleasant and difficult. I hate it! I've had this bug since Saturday, and I'm hoping it will go away by this weekend.

I've skipped a few classes and other things in the name of "keeping other people from getting sick" but I still went to my counseling appointment yesterday. And I'm glad I did. It was a really good experience. I'll admit that I had my doubts going into it, but getting to talk very openly and honestly with someone about my SSA issues was therapeutic (to say the least). My counselor didn't care what I said or told her - she just listened, tried to understand, and asked me careful questions.

For the first time ever I felt like I could be 100% honest about everything. I didn't have to hold back for fear of retribution, punishment, or disdain. I knew she would not think any less of me or want to stop being my friend because of how unstable I sound. And I knew that it was confidential. There was virtually no risk of her telling someone else about my feelings or secrets or whatever. So I felt comfortable. I didn't have to think twice before saying something to ensure that it wasn't taken the wrong way.

The part I liked most was how she reconciled some of my thought patterns to help me make connections and find solutions. One of the most important things she helped me realize was that no matter what course I take in life (to get married, be gay, or whatever) it will be hard. Any path I choose includes serious and lasting consequences, many of which will be painful and difficult. The sooner I realize and accept that, the sooner I can make a decision and enjoy life. It might sound simple, but for me it was groundbreaking. I've known that my circumstances don't leave me with an obvious "best" path in life, but until now I haven't been able to get past it either. Realizing this doesn't make things any easier really, but it does allow me to move on in some ways.

Another important thing she helped me understand is that life is a journey. I don't have to make a single decision and be stuck with it for the rest of my life. There is always the possibility for change. Even if it might be harder in the future, I could still change my decision if I found out that the path I was taking wasn't working out for me. Discovering this is helping me find renewed hope in the future. And it relieves some of the immediacy and pressure.

Overall it was just a really positive experience. I recommend it to anyone who's feeling overburdened with life as a gay Mormon. You might not get the answers you want, but you will regain some sanity. I still have a lot to think about and the most serious life choices ahead of me, but I'm glad that I started counseling. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week.

Counseling

2007-02-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

The only counselors I have ever seen in my life have been academic advisers. They've helped me pick classes and prepare for graduation (in college, HS, or wherever). Recently though, I've had it suggested to me, directly and indirectly, that I see a counselor to talk about same-sex attraction issues. And I hesitate to admit that I have been very reluctant - probably for no other reason than pride.

What is a counselor really supposed to do for me anyway? I feel plenty healthy, both mentally and physically. Sure I go back and forth constantly in my mind about the church, my future, and life - but the same could be said of tons of people! After telling one friend that I feel very "trapped" in my life, not able to go forward effectively as a church member or a gay person, he noted that it's not healthy to feel mentally trapped. And he's right. He suggested I see a counselor.

I just don't understand, what could these people tell me that I haven't thought of already? I have focused a great deal of energy on these issues for months now. I have read hundreds of stories, talked to a fair number of people, and participated in the fantastically therapeutic queerosphere! What more could I need to learn!?

And yet everyone still says it. "You should get professional help to deal with SSA issues." Why? Why does every gay mormon automatically need counseling to help deal with life? Is our lot in life really so hard as to automatically justify professional help for every person who has to deal with these issues? Or is it that our religion is so conservative that members assume someone with "SSA" is somehow flawed at a fundamental level? Is it our beliefs that cause us to assume that gay people are not normal? That they are by nature psychologically unstable?

I have no idea what I would say to a counselor. I can see myself sitting in a group of 8-10 guys. "Hi, my name's ---, and I'm gay" (*joyous clapping from rest of group). No, this isn't Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe one-on-one with a counselor would be better.
Counselor: "What brings you here today?"
Me: "I'm gay."
Counselor: "What would you like me to help you with?"
Me: "I'm not sure, but every other gay mormon does this, so I thought I should too."

I just don't really get it. I mean, the purpose behind it all. For some reason though it does feel like a logical next step - if for no other reason than that I can respond in the affirmative when asked if I've been through counseling (from people like my parents, and after I come out to them of course, which I'm thinking about doing soon). I probably shouldn't cave in to those old-school misperceptions, but I will. No, correction, I already have. I have pre-emptively taken care of the anticipated questions. Earlier today I marched into the BYU counseling center and set up an appointment. I filled out a whole bunch of really personal questionaires that seemed to detail every aspect of my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual life. But I didn't hold back. I wrote down very clearly that I was there to talk about my same-sex attraction.

It was kinda funny too. It was probably the most courageous thing I've done in a while. I don't know why, but I was scared to death. My voice cracked as I stated, "I need to see a counselor."
"Personal or academic?" She inquired.
"Personal," I responed as she handed me a packet with enough paperwork to keep an IRS agent busy. I took a seat, filled it all out, and then set up my "intake" appointment for next week. I'm kinda nervous, but I think it will be good. I feel a sense of accomplishment that I did it, even if I don't know why.

States of Grace 2

2007-01-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

This is the follow-up to my first post on the movie States of Grace. If you're looking for a sequel to the movie you'll have to contact Richard Dutcher.

I already commented on the impact this movie had on me. I now want to discuss some more of the specifics. I really loved the characters in the movie. I thought they were well developed and likable. My favorite was Elder Lozano, and not just because he was attractive. I thought he was interesting, witty, smart, and principled - despite his history. He was the embodiment of change, he was compassionate and understanding. And yet he was not me.

In fact, if I were to describe myself as a missionary, it would have been much more like Elder Farrell (minus the having sex and getting sent home part). I was a "by-the-book" kinda guy. I had little compassion or tolerance for missionaries who bent the rules - even if it was for a good reason, like in States of Grace. In the end, I don't know that it did me any good. I wasn't blessed with a plethora of investigators or baptisms. And it didn't remove any of the trials in my life (then or now).

In fact, sometimes it was rather ironic to me. We were not allowed to contact or teach people of the opposite sex unless accompanied by a member. So I ended up talking to and teaching mostly guys. The purpose of this rule was to reduce temptation but for me it did the exact opposite. Yet somehow I came away unscathed. I didn't run off and have sex with any of the attractive guys I taught.

So what's my point? I think partly it's a response to L's recent post. I don't think Elder Farrell's actions can be blamed on their breaking of the rules. Maybe the temptation was greater because of their situation, but feelings and inclinations are different from behavior, right? The one does not justify the other.

Also, I wanted to pose a question with relation to this topic: where do you draw the line between rules and commandments? How do you distinguish between policies, procedures, advice, and commandments? I've heard that anything the spirit prompts you to do is a commandment to you. But there are a host of objective commandments that we are supposed to follow regardless of the promptings of the spirit. And yet there is no master list of these.

Grace Period

2007-01-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

As I sat and pondered the mysteries of life recently, I couldn't help but become frustrated with my newfound desire to strengthen or reaffirm the testimony which I was once sure I had. You see, lately I've been praying, keeping the commandments, studying the gospel, and trying to have a better attitude toward the church. So far its been a positive experience. Yet I would be lying if I didn't admit that it has been difficult at times. I know its only been a few days, but I know the difficulty will continue to increase.

So this is the question I get stumped on: how much time do I give God to answer me? I mean, I know we're not supposed to give God a timeframe - and we're often told that our timetable is not the same as the Lord's, but is there no end to the waiting? Are we really just supposed to live our whole life doing what we hope is right with the continual expectation that we will eventually receive a more sure testimony that it actually is? And what about when I decide to stop waiting and pursue a different life, won't there always be someone to say, "If you'd have just waited another day you might have received your answer."

I can now better understand the frustration some non-members must go through as they investigate the church. Oh the questions they must have! How long do I wait for an answer? At what point do I know the answer is "no?" Of course a believer will never say the answer was "no." They will say you just didn't wait long enough. But there has to be some sort of standard waiting period - or some way to know that it just isn't right. Otherwise there would be no converts to the church, because all of those people would be spending their lives waiting for the answer as to whether the religion they were born into is right. For people to convert they must feel like their current way of thinking is wrong. What is the church's stance on how to find out if your religion is false? Or how long to wait after asking if your church is true before deciding that it is not?

I mean, hypothetically speaking, if there were no God then the answer would always be a non-answer. So at what point does one decide that there really isn't a God? How do people come to these conclusions? I'm so confused!

The point is this: I'm currently giving God a grace period to tell me what I so desperately want to know, I just don't know how long that period should be.

States of Grace

2007-01-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the brief hiatus from posting (for those that might have noticed). The first couple weeks of school has been more involving than I might have anticipated.

I rented States of Grace on Friday, watched it on Saturday and then again on Sunday. And I want to see it again. It was a very moving story that changed my perspective on life (however briefly). I will be honest with the fact that my testimony has been struggling over the past few months. I've found ways to question things I never thought I would - such as the very existence of God. But this movie allowed me another oppportunity to ponder the meaning of life, to question my core beliefs and desires.

After doing so I had the feeling - no, urge - to give the church a second chance. I was too quick to write it off in the first place. Not that I had written it off already, but I feared that deep down I had already decided on leaving the church at some point. I've repented, so to speak. Yesterday I got down on my knees before I went to bed and did something I haven't done in a long time - I prayed. Not just any prayer, but I sincerely poured out my heart to God. I was not afraid to tell Him everything - my questions, doubts, and fears. I cried as well, something that had been quite frequent in the many frustrated prayers I have offered before, but this time it was more intense. Perhaps more desperate. And after I finished praying I knelt there silently for a while. I tried to listen, listen for an answer. All I could hear was the noise of my roommates and the TV out in the living room.

It won't be the last sincere prayer. I've resolved to give God a thorough chance to tell me something, anything. (I'll take what I can get.) For the next few weeks I'm going to have a better attitude about going to church. I'm going to keep the commandments 100%. I will continue to pray. And if that doesn't do it, I don't know what will.

Okay, so I don't want this post to get too long, and I haven't even really talked about States of Grace yet. I guess I just wanted to share how this movie impacted me - what it did for me. It was amazing. I really loved it. I'll post more on the details of the movie, the parts I liked and didn't, etc., a little later.

Insults of a Stereotypical Nature

2007-01-10T00:19:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the main part of this post let me give you an update. I'm back in Provo now and school has been fairly easy thus far - but the stress is building as I can tell this is going to be a difficult semester. I had a good trip back home. It was nice to see my family and spend time with them. I avoided a lengthy chat with my mom by never being available. I was conveniently gone at every time where I might have been caught alone. I Spent time visiting old friends and going places when the family was not doing something together. That seemed to be the best remedy for the serious talk. At least it bought me about 4 more months.

Okay, so I can't remember where, but someone recently recommended a site that deals with gay mormon issues. I'm always willing to check out these sites, hoping to find the information I'm seeking. This particular site, however, was discouraging and offensive. I know I should re-read Elder Bednar's talk and choose to not be offended - but I was upset at the blatantly stereotypical and uninformed nature of the resources on this site. Particularly an article that was directed at bishops. It was titled "What every bishop should know about SSA" and was no doubt written with the best of intentions - but came across as insensitive at best and hurtful at worst.

Allow me to highlight some of my favorite parts from this article. For one, it points out how SSA men have many women friends but "do not feel comfortable with members of their own gender." You know - all gay guys hang out with the girls but never want to sit down and watch football with the guys. Afterall, they relate much more to women since they are attracted to guys. In actuality, I don't have any more female friends than male friends - and I have never had a problem interacting or becoming good friends with people of either gender. This argument seems to simply perpetuate old stereotypes.

Another of my favorite parts was the section which detailed how a suspicious bishop might correctly identify a gay (or SSA) member of his ward. Such a man could be caught engaging in the following hazardous activities: staring at other men, spending time at parks, or loitering in restrooms. The article continues, "other evidences of SSA may include lack of desire to date, aloofness from other men, and lack of interest in sports." I, for one, am an avid college football fan. My closest friends are guys. And I can't remember the last time I visited a park or loitered in a restroom (you have to laugh at that one). But they still got me on the dating one.

I've commented before on my relative lack of traditional gay qualities. And that's not my point here. I was just disgusted with the bad resources being directed at bishops. I know that many bishops may have limited experience in helping people who struggle with SSA. So when someone goes to the effort of writing an article to help better educate them you'd think they would do a little research! Instead they end up confusing the bishops even further and ultimately become a disservice to those of us who struggle.

So perhaps I might write my own article. A smaller (yet hopefully more accurate) letter to the bishops of the church. You might consider it a rebuttal to the other article. I realize that I am probably less educated than the individual who wrote the article. But my own personal experiences have been enough to give me a completely different and much more intimate understanding of SSA. Hopefully I'll be able to write this for a future post.

Home Sweet Home?

2006-12-30T02:22:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post quickly to let you all know that I'm here and I'm still alive. I'm trying to enjoy the time I have here at home to spend with my family - but they're making it really difficult.

Since I've been here I've found out that I'm depressed, lonely, withdrawn, and gay. I already knew the last one - but not the first three. Different family members have suggested all of the above to me at different times. They seem genuinely concerned about my welfare and are asking "Is everything alright? You don't seem as happy as usual since you've been home."

How do I respond to that!? Of course I am upset - and frustrated with life. Yet I thought somehow I was still putting on enough of a facade to cover up any outward signs of my inner struggles. Apparently not! They've been able to notice, so it must be obvious enough.

As far as the gay comment - it was more of an offhand remark that was only half serious. My mom teased me about not dating and said "Is it because you like boys?" (I laughed it off of course, not even granting the question the dignity of a verbal response.)

I have been asked several times about dating. And so far I think I've handled it very well. For the most part I've convinced my family of the financial, academic, and other benefits of waiting for marriage. But I know there are more questions out there. My mom has already made it known that she wants to sit down and have a serious talk before I head back to Provo. I've been avoiding it like a plague - but I don't know if I'll be able to hold out much longer. She wants to know what my future goals are, what my "5-year plan" is. Honestly, in 5 years I see myself with a degree, a job, and a boyfriend.

I won't tell her that though.

Root Causes

2006-12-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

I was reading from a few gay support sites today. Mostly ones that deal with people who have "unwanted same-sex attraction" like Evergreen. In the past I have found some comfort in these sites, which encourage change (although not necessarily "reparative therapy") as an appropriate solution to the problem. Many of them offer a list of so-called "root causes" of homosexuality. I was interested in this topic after reading another recent post.

Oftentimes I think these root causes are much like a psychic reading that you purchase on the internet. Personal, interesting, and applicable - to anyone and everyone. Every single man in the entire world could read this 15 paragraph long list of causes and say, "Yeah, that's me."

Pehaps these sites are just attempting to explain an unexplainable phenomenon. But for someone struggling with the "Why me?" question, they do seem reassuring. The more I read them the more I started to think, "Yeah, I had an experience like that" or "I guess you could say that about my upbringing." I began to believe - my father really was distant! (Note: I actually had a normal relationship with my father - the preceding sentence was sarcastic.)

This is the point: while I could possibly link some of the "root causes" given on these sites with experiences from my own life, I don't know if I buy into the argument that these are the actual causes of my same-sex attraction (and that through addressing these issues I can change my orientation). How does one "address" the fact that he has older brothers anyway? Or that he was abused? Or that he had an amazing mother, but not as supportive of a father? Isn't the damage already done? You can't be raised again. There are no redos. Is any future male bonding supposed to really erase the past - even if it is a "root cause"?

The conclusion I reached is that these well-intentioned people are just seeking ANY explanation that will prove what they want to believe -that SSA is in fact treatable and changeable. And after reading a few of the many published testimonies, I'm convinced they are really helping people! Perhaps they acheive the "placebo effect." If you believe you are fixing what you believe are the root causes of your homosexuality, then you will in some cases actually be able to change. And so for many people this works. I just don't think I'm one of them - I'm too much of a skeptic.

What Do I Tell Them?

2006-12-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

First of all, thanks to all those who responed to my last post via comment boards or email. It's nice to know there are others out there like me. And it's also nice to hear some other interesting viewpoints.

In just a couple short weeks I'm headed home for Christmas Break. I get to spend 10 wonderful days with my family. I'm actually really looking forward to it - good food, no work, games and traditions. Should be lots of fun. But this year will be different than last year. It will be harder.

For one, I was a totally different person last year. I was "Peter Priesthood" trying to portray an image as the perfect Mormon boy. Now I'm wavering in my testimony for the first time in my life. But I don't know if I want to convey that. So how should I act around my family? Should I try to portray an image or be myself? I don't want to disappoint them - but it feels wrong to be living a double life of sorts.

And then there's the questions. Last year I had only been home from my mission for about six months. People joked and teased about dating and my inevitable marriage. Not that I had a girlfriend or was planning a wedding, that was just the expectation. I've had to answer a few uncomfortable questions and endure a few well-intentioned remarks since then. But this Christmas will be different. It's just different in person - when I'm there and everyone's sitting around and then someone pops a question with everyone listening in. What do I tell them? Do I continue to put on a front? Do I come out? No, I can't. It's too soon.

Of course I could just tell them it's none of their business. But they're my family - they'll say it is their business to be "concerned for me." If I act too defiant or upset then they might start wondering.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they started wondering. Maybe that's the best way to come out - not to catch them by surprise. Then if I come out six months from now it won't be too much of a shock. Should I say something to my parents now though? I'm just afraid of how they might react. I know many of you have come out to your family. How did they react? I read some of the commentary recently about those of you who are married and have come out to your wives. That has given me some inspiration, and I appreciate those comments. I'm just confused and worried about my upcoming situation.

My Gay History - Long

2006-12-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

So it did take me a week. I've been fairly busy with life (mostly school) and haven't had a lot of time. Plus, I have to wait until my roommate is gone before I can write. Tuesday seems to be my official posting day for the last few weeks.

I mentioned in my last post that I didn't want this to be a "nature vs. nurture" debate. I stand by that statement. I am interested in any insight you might have. I'm not sure how graphic to be in my descriptions, but I do want to be completely honest and frank. What follows is my abbreviated life history (mostly just the stuff I feel is pertinent to my sexuality). If it's too graphic I apologize (in advance).

I'd like to think I had a fairly normal childhood. I had plenty of neighborhood friends, a normal family, and all of the proper nurturing. When I was 6-7 years old, I had a girlfriend of sorts. She lived just down the street and we hung out all the time. We even 'made out' in a juvenile sort of way. We were just kids, and were probably trying to imitate adults, so I don't find the events particularly interesting other than to note that I had much of the normal childhood experiences. Yes, we even had the "I'll show you mine if you show me your's" experiences with a few other neighborhood kids. As far as I'm aware, these are fairly normal activities among children.

Now to my first gay experience. I was 9 years old. I didn't think this event was really significant at the time. Or maybe I just tried to forget it because I was ashamed. As it was, I didn't remember it until many years later. My best friend had an older brother. Probably about 4 years older (that would make him about 13). One day we hid out in the laundry room and he started playing with himself. He had me perform oral sex on him (although I obviously didn't recognize it as that). He hadn't really hit puberty yet, so there was no orgasm involved. It probably only lasted a few minutes and was very 'experimental.' We were just kids messing around, at least that's how it felt.

It wasn't something I felt wrong about at the time. And like I said I didn't even remember it until a long time later. The incident wasn't something I wanted to bragg about or tell my parents about - but it also wasn't something that made me think I was bad or weird. I was so young that I didn't have any significant sexual urges (some people might disagree here). It was more of just an 'exciting' (for lack of a better word) incident because it was new and something neither of us had done before. I might add as a footnote, my friend's older brother and I were not very good friends after that, and we didn't ever hang out. His family was kind of jack-mormon, and he got a girl pregnant in his late teens. I think he is married now.

I had two other pre-puberty incidences of note. Both of them were straight. One, I french kissed a girl hiding out in the baptismal font during a church function when I was 10 years old. The other, I had a girlfriend that I actually referred to as girlfriend when I was 12. Both were fairly innocent.

My post-puberty life has been a completely different story. It has been riddled with experimentation, denial, confusion, guilt, confession, and more recently - acceptance. It has also been marked with on and off bouts with pornography.

When I was 13, I justified looking at some naked internet pictures by saying that I was teaching myself about anatomy (that sounds kind of funny, but I'm serious). I had never before seen a naked woman, and I was curious. But I always felt bad afterwords and discontinued the practice for a time. I wasn't turned on by the pictures per se, more intrigued.

About the time that I turned 14, I began to have my first wet dreams. They were always about men. Usually a guy getting naked. My first masturbatory experiences were of a similar theme. And over the next few years I found myself seeking out gay-themed porn. I had many on and off bouts with pornography up intil I was 18.

When I was 16 I felt bad enough about it that I went to see my bishop. I told him that I had looked at pornography and felt bad about it. I didn't tell him that it was gay-themed. It seemed inconsequential to me at the time - porn was porn - and the sin was the same whether it was gay or not. My denial went further than that. I didn't even acknowledge to myself that I was gay. Through all of my teen years I still held the ideal mormon vision in my mind that I would eventually get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. Only recently have I strayed from that vision. Anyway, my bishop at the time almost shrugged it off. He had me meet with him once or twice after that to make sure I had quit, but I was still allowed to bless the sacrament and stuff.

I didn't really quit. Six months later I was back at it. I would go through a couple week period of looking at porn on and off, then quit for a few weeks whilst I "repented" and then repeat. This seemed to be the pattern for my entire teenage life. Up until a few months before I went on my mission. I was honest and open with my stake president and he cleared me to go.

I should add a note in right about here. My teenage years were fairly normal on the "outside." I didn't date much, but I went to homecomings and proms and went on group dates. I even had a girlfriend my senior year in HS. She wasn't LDS, but hung out with our group. She wanted to take the relationship a lot further than I did. One night when my parents were out of town she came over really late at night - I knew what she wanted. I didn't ever really feel that attracted to her though, and thus I could never bring myself to kiss her. I used the church and the law of chastity as a shield from dating seriously most of my teenage life. It provided an easy excuse to procrastinate confronting my sexuality.

My mission provided me a two year reprieve from sexual thoughts - or so I believed. I thought that life would be easy while I was on a mission and then when I got back I would be able to control myself long enough to get married - at which time I would be cured of sexual repression and homosexual tendencies. Oh the lies we tell ourselves!

The mission was actually fairly easy from that standpoint. Maybe it was the fact that I had someone next to me 24-7, but I never had too much of a problem with sexual urges (except for the fact that I still had hormones, and found myself attracted to a lot of the men we would meet). Other than that, I never acted on anything though.

After my mission I started attending BYU. I wanted to date and get married as quickly as I could (because I thought that was the solution to my problem). Thank goodness that didn't work out! That could have been the biggest mistake of my life. Anyway, I went on a few dates, but never really got into it. I became increasingly frustrated with my inability to perform like I felt I should. I wanted so badly to please my parents, and to live up to the expectation of getting married quickly after coming home. I soon found out how naive that was!

After my first year in school I began to accept the fact that I was attracted to other guys. I realized that marriage would be a lot further off than I had imagined (if ever). This past summer was a period of awakening for me. I finally came to accept myself. I was honest with myself for the first time in my life. I actually said to myself, 'I'm gay.' That was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't want to be gay. I just wanted to like girls like every other guy. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing - date, fall in love, get married, have a family. But I realized that my life would be much more difficult.

That's when I sought help. I wanted desperately to talk to someone about it. But there was no one I felt I could trust. My family is great, but they gossip a lot. I don't think there is a single sibling or parent who I could talk to and feel like they would keep my secret. I know they would tell the rest of the family - and I wasn't ready for that. I didn't have any friends who I felt I could talk to. And I haven't felt like I could trust the BYU counseling department. That may be my next step. I'm not sure.

So I started blogging. It seemed like a way I could be honest and open, while still being annonymous. And this has been a helpful experience thus far. I'm grateful for the stories of others who've shared similar experiences and offered advice. It has really opened my eyes. Thanks to those who participate in the queerosphere.

That's it. That's my gay history. Normal? Maybe. Perverted? I hope not. Unique? Possibly.

Where do I go from here? That's my next big question. I really don't know the answer either. Part of me wants to live out the mormon dream I've always had. Another part of me wants to live out a very different life. I've never felt so confused before. Never have I had to make such a huge decision. I don't like decisions, especially not life altering ones. So, for the time being, I've decided not to decide. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing for a little while. And we'll see what comes of it.

PS - If anyone wants to comment longer than would be appropriate for the comment boards, please email me: stubyu@gmail.com

An Update and A Foreword

2006-11-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. I enjoyed all of the Thanksgiving posts. I especially enjoyed Scot's individualized post and the sarcastic one on -L-'s blog. I re-read my post and realized it may have sounded too optimistic =). Now that Thanksgiving is over though I can get back to my self-pity and loathing. I think I'm best at that.

I mean, who am I to say that my life doesn't suck? I'm too involved to have any true perspective, right? It might just be that my life really does suck. SSA might just trump every other good thing a person can have. All I know is who I am and what I'm going through - and it sucks. So why shouldn't I have the right to complain constantly? As far as I know I really did get the short end of the stick in life!

So I've been thinking a lot lately about why I'm gay. And why me? To tell you the truth, I really don't know. And it probably doesn't matter. But I want to get your perspective. Ah, the dreaded "nature vs. nurture" debate - I hope it doesn't turn into that. I just want to introduce myself better and detail "my gay history." So that will be the subject of my next post. I'm just not sure how much to include. And hopefully it doesn't take a week to compile. Good luck to me!

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

I have been genuinely upbeat this week. I worry that spectators just passing through the queerosphere might think that a lot of us gay mormon bloggers are depressed, cynical, negative, or constantly lamenting our lot in life. Not so. While there are definitely a wide range of emotions that often times prompt one to post - life is so much more than that. And while we all may struggle at times (often long periods), I think it is safe to say that there is a much bigger picture that is quite positive.

The point is this: I don't want to be solely defined by my sexuality. I have so many other things that define me. And I think Thanksgiving is an appropriate time to recognize that. So, for just a moment, I'm going to 'count my blessings.'

Life is good. I'm passing all my classes, I'm financially secure, and loved by my family. I have a good job, a working car, and plenty of food. On top of it all, BYU football is doing great! As I look around me, as I think about my wonderful childhood, and as I contemplate my future I realize that life is good. I am blessed.

For quite some time now I have been thinking that I got the short end of the stick in life. Everyone else gets to enjoy "normal" love and romance - but not me. I've just been a little narrowminded with myself. Of course love and sex is a big part of life, but I realize better now that it is not the only part of life. I have so many other things to look forward to.

I'm a business major. That's what I enjoy. I want to work for an investment firm after I graduate. That will give me the ability to work with lots of people. I'll get to sit down at a desk for some of the time, and go out and do stuff for the rest. I'll get to do a healthy amount of quantitative work (which I'm generally good at) and still be social. I like that aspect of my future.

There are parts of my future that I'm afraid of. For the most part, however, I have plenty of reasons to maintain hope. There are lots of positive things in life to cancel out the bad. I just need to focus on them more.

PS - Another thing that has been good for me lately is the queerosphere. I enjoy reading your blogs and hearing your experiences. Most times you say it better than I can, so thanks. You don't know how much of a help you are to me and undoubtedly countless other people.

Ungay

2006-11-14T00:38:00.001-07:00

After my last post Scot mentioned that the reason roommates and others ask me about dating might be becuase they suspect that I'm gay. I thought about that a lot, because sometimes I wonder if they know (or anyone else). Not that I'd really even care, I haven't done anything terrible or wrong. But anyway, I came to the conclusion that I'm about as "ungay" as anyone else I know. I don't have an effeminate mannerism, I don't walk funny, I can't sing or dance, I hate shopping, and I don't have any supernatural fashion sense. I really don't think anyone would ever think I'm gay by how I act, dress, or talk.

Most gay people don't fit into those sterotypes anyways - but the few who do get all the attention. Why is that? If people would make an attempt to really understand what it is like to be gay there would be a lot less homophobes and stereotyping. It's definitely not as much a choice as some would like to make it.

The sad part is that if I wasn't experiencing what I am I would probably be just as homophobic. There is definitely a certain level of intolerance that prevails among members of the church. My entire perspective on life has changed because of this. I no longer judge anyone for mistakes they make, or for particular challenges they might be experiencing. I know firsthand how hard it can be to have unwanted trials and unanswered questions.

Dating

2006-11-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

A few days ago one of my roommates told me about a fantastic date he went on (and how he got to make out with this "hot chick"). I sat and listened quietly trying to apease him while also hiding the fact that I was fairly disinterested. Apparently he picked up on it, because he then asked me, "Hey, why don't you go on dates?" I tried to respond with one of my usual excuses.
"I'm just not looking for that right now."
"Well, why not?"
"I don't know, I guess I'm just not ready for it."
"Don't you want to get married?"
"I guess not. At least not right now."
"You should hook up with one of my friends from...."

At this point I started tuning him out. It's not that I don't appreciate his interest in my life - I just don't need another person trying to get me to go on some blind date, or any added pressure to "begin dating." It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't got a similar lecture from my mom just days prior. And if I didn't hear the same stuff from my siblings, friends, church leaders, and everyone else all the time.

Everytime someone starts talking to me about dating and asks me why I don't 'date more' I want to yell, "because I'm gay!" That would really cause way more problems than I'm ready to deal with though. I'm not even sure what it means to be gay for me anyway. I don't have wild and crazy gay sex every weekend. I'm just attracted to other guys. So why can't people just lay off of the whole dating thing a little bit? Not everyone wants to be married with 3 kids before they graduate college! So what if I've been home from my mission for over a year and I'm still not dating? Deal with it!

I just get so sick of the dating lectures. Constantly talking about dating isn't making me like women more. That's just the way it is.

Disillusionment

2006-11-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

I just finished a couple weeks of grueling schoolwork. Tests, projects, homework, you name it. I guess its good to be busy, but these last couple weeks sucked.

Anyway, lately I've been feeling kinda down - perhaps more frustrated than ever. I feel like there's no way to reconcile my beliefs and my hormones, to put it bluntly. So I've become very cynical towards everything. The best word I could think of to describe the way I've been feeling is "disillusioned." I'm definitely not ready to give up everything I've spent my whole life believing, I just look at things a little differently.

Life isn't always what it seems, and sometimes we have to open our minds to new ideas. I think I've been too narrowminded in the past. Hopefully I can find some sort of sanity as I search for understanding about myself and life in general. I feel so confused most of the time that I just hope the future holds some semblance of peace.

Dealing With Life

2006-10-18T23:10:00.000-06:00

In between school and work I haven't had a ton of extra time to write in my blog (which I like to think of as an online journal). I've had four midterms in the past two weeks! Things are starting to improve a little.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about being gay and mormon. I heard Elder Oaks conference talk earlier this month where he talked about "struggling with same-sex attraction." Sometimes I feel like that--like I'm in a constant battle with myself. It can feel like a war that has no conclusion in sight. Other times it doesn't feel so much like a "struggle." It just seems sort of decided, like "that's the way I am." I notice the general authorities never say someone is gay, or same-sex attracted. They always say that a person is "struggling" with same-gender attraction. Why!? Why does it always have to be a struggle? If I didn't choose this and it is natural (albeit relatively rare) then why do I have to struggle with it? It just doesn't seem fair.

Here's the part that seems most unfair. Other guys can talk about women, watch them scantily clad on t.v., date them, kiss them, and at least hope to someday be boundlessly intimite with one--but I can never do any of that without committing social suicide. It seems so natural for me to be attracted to other boys, but I have to hold it in and try to hide it everytime I see a really good-looking guy. I can't say, "wow, he looks hot." I can't even look at him for too long without getting weird looks. It just seems so unfair.

My First Post!

2006-10-09T00:28:00.000-06:00

Okay, I don't have any experience blogging. But my life feels pretty messed up sometimes so I thought I should talk about it a little more openly - and this way I can get feedback from people in a similar situation. The best part is that I can stay mostly annonymous! (I am way in-the-closet.) In fact, this is the first attempt I have made to talk to anyone about this (and I'm not even talking to anyone really... lol). But hopefully I can get to know some new people and get feedback on stuff going on in my life.

Now to the main issue. I'm currently attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I got home from a mission about a year and a half ago. I was born and raised in the church. And I'm gay. Up until recently I tried to deny that fact (that I'm attracted to other guys). But I'm coming to terms with it. Let me also clarify - when I say I'm "gay" I don't mean that I'm in any sort of relationship or that I've had sex with a man. For now I'm content to try and wait a little, while I sort things out. But my future is less certain than it has ever been. I am really confused (and more and more frustrated).

I've thought about writing this blog for a few months. Now that I've finally done it I feel good. I really am hoping I can help others who are in this situation (being gay and mormon). And that I can receive help for myself. So there you go.